September 1 - Thursday

 

23 months today.  Hard to believe it will soon be two years.  I've been working very long hours including weekends in the lab, so I have not really allowed myself to feel the full effect of the upcoming anniversary.  I am more sad this time of year because it represents Joel's favorite time of year and our Wedding anniversary and now his death.  Kitten antics are about the only thing that makes me really laugh.  I made plans to travel to Minnesota so I can be with his family and friends.  I need a break from the lab so I can grieve a little bit.  I think it's OK to do that even two years later.  I heard a lot of people mention the two year mark as being a milestone that represents the typical time for people to start really feeling better after the death of a loved one.  I'm not so sure time is relevant in many cases.  I will grieve over losing Joel and the life we thought we were going to have for the rest of my life.  That's not necessarily an unhealthy thing.  It doesn't mean I'm not able to keep living and be more or less peaceful and content.  It's not the same all consuming heavy duty grief that I experienced for about the first 9 months.  It's more of a dull sadness that is always present, but is very peaceful and doesn't stop me in my tracks and bring me to tears every minute.  This concept of "being healed" is variable from person to person.  I think I can heal from the trauma and pain of the whole experience, but I don't think "healed" is the right word to describe my state of being after such a loss.  Anyway, just rambling now. 

 

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