This page was last updated 11/29/2004 .

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9/30/04 - Thursday

Just got back from a successful Coast Guard meeting.  I don't think any one there knew Joel personally or even knew my connection to the Coast Guard.  I was just an anonymous academic giving a presentation.  It was very strange being at a Coast Guard meeting without Joel.  Traveling was a nightmare due to the hurricane.  We made it out of Ft Lauderdale, but got stuck in Atlanta until 2 am and didn't arrive in Virginia until 6 AM.  So we had to give a talk on 1 hour sleep.   But it went very well and I was more relaxed than the last time I had to give a talk in front of my boss.  We learned a great deal about the Coast Guard's role in enforcing fisheries regulations and hopefully we'll be able to collaborate with them on some projects in the future.  

Highlights of the trip were:  the success of the presentation, having uninterrupted time with the boss (my graduate major professor), to discuss everything from my research to my future career options to how I'm dealing with losing Joel, reconnecting with my wonderful friend, Vivian, and spending time with her and meeting Alex and Jeff, and coming home to beautiful flowers from Brad and Kytyn.  

But, I was of course thinking of the impending year anniversary the whole time I was at the meeting and felt sadness creeping back in a little more each day.   I sent Joel some of our favorite flowers for Tasha to place on the grave.  She's been delivering flowers out there everyday for me for two weeks!   Today was a difficult day.  I've felt like crying on and off all day and I'm a little sick to my stomach.  The physical signs of grief are back as much as the emotional.  But I know this is temporary and my return to the sunlight will only be interrupted briefly as I honor Joel's last day on earth and his first day in paradise.

9/27/04 - Monday

I'm off to Virginia to go with my advisor to give a talk at a Coast Guard meeting for management and law enforcement concerning Living Marine Resources and Marine Protected Species.   He really liked the power point I put together...he said Joel was applauding from Heaven.  Joel was the King of power point!  His slides were always awesome...very little text, but really got the message across.  

9/26/04 - Sunday

Hurricane was not to bad here.  My parents said it was horrible in Melbourne.  My brother was with them and they all admitted that they would never want to go through that again.  They're ok and only lost one more tree.  Hurricane Frances already cleaned everything out!  

9/25/04 - Saturday

Less than a week to go...I'm still ok.  I don't think that the grief will hit me so hard that I fall apart during this anniversary.  I know it's possible, but I feel stronger now.  I grieved so hard for the first 9 months, that I think the worst of it is out of my system.  I do have waves of pure sadness and pain every single day, but they come and go and I'm able to go on with what I was doing.  I'm just so relieved to start to feel this burden of pain gradually being lifted from my shoulders that I don't want to go back.  Even the lines on my face are disappearing, or so I like to think.  I worry about Joel's parents.  Losing a child is the most tragic loss according to the 'experts',  spouse is second.

On top of everything else, the hurricane is on the way.  It will probably hit north of here just like Frances.  The weather this morning was breezy and cloudy but not bad.  The triathlon is cancelled, so I really wanted to go ride my bike this morning, but I could just hear Joel saying to me, "Jen, don't be stupid.  What if you get a flat and you're 30 miles from the house with a hurricane on the way."  So, I played it safe and did not ride.  But I did run 6 miles.  He wouldn't have liked that either.  He would have had the hurricane supplies bought, the shutters up, and us and the cats in the closet in the middle of the house with water, 6 flashlights and a can of Spam (for the cats of course).  He was always over prepared for hurricanes.  Must have been the Coast Guard in him (the motto is Semper Paratus after all).  

The weather now is beginning to get worse, heavy rain and gusty winds that whip the trees around.  We're going to miss the worst of it, but my parents are going to get it again.  They had to stay put because my Mom just got out of the hospital and didn't feel up to traveling.  They have a generator now, so if they lose power, they'll be Ok.  I just hope this one blows over quickly.  Frances took from Friday through Monday to move out and we were all going crazy.

9/24/04 - Friday

One week and counting.  I'm thinking about Joel constantly, he's never off my mind.  I'm also remembering all the people that helped take care of him and me during those last few weeks.  I'm so grateful that we were not alone.  I never could have survived without our families and friends.  

Another hurricane is on the way.  I spent half the day moving the lab (again) with the other students.  I think my triathlon will be cancelled this weekend.

9/19/04 - Sunday

A girl from one of the bike groups I've been riding with had a party at her home today and invited me.  Just about everyone from the group and their spouses/kids were there.  So I went for a little while and talked with everyone about bikes and racing and triathlons etc...They are a nice group to ride with.  Some are very experienced and I'm learning a lot.  I was listening to some of the spouses complaining about how much time their husband/wife spent on the bike or racing.  I wonder what Joel would have thought about me riding so much.  I'm on the bike tues, thurs, sat and sun every week for at least 21/2 hours.  Maybe he would have gotten in to biking too.  

I'm definitely feeling powerful waves of sadness hitting me at random times during the last couple weeks.  Just approaching the one year mark makes me remember details that I'd rather forget.  I'm not dwelling on the feelings, I'll just be standing at the bathroom sink or kitchen counter, or in the car and just start to cry.  It only lasts a few minutes, and I'm able to go right back to what I was doing.  I'm still feeling ok, just a little sliding backwards into grief.  I expected it.  

9/11/04 - Saturday

Praying for families of those that lost their lives so suddenly on that day.  I remember back to 9/11 and Joel was getting ready for work and I was home studying for a midterm exam.  I had just gone out for a jog and he ran down the street after me to tell me to come look at the TV.  The first plane had just hit.  We spent the rest of the morning watching in shock.  Within 24 hours he was hearing that he was likely to be recalled to active duty.  

9/7/04 - Tuesday

Mom and Dad returned to Melbourne today.  Just lost a few trees in the yard and had some roof damage.  My Guardian Angel is looking out for us.

9/5/04 - Sunday

Storm made landfall around Vero Beach (just south of Melbourne) late last night and is just taking its time moving across.  We're still getting bad weather here.  The city I live in has power, most of the rest of the county has lost power.  Looks like lots of trees down around here, the most damage is from West Palm and up the coast.  Melbourne looks bad.

9/4/04 - Saturday

Started really blowing at around 10 AM.  We're safe, still have power.  Looks more and more like the storm will hit near my parents home.  They are pretty anxious.  The storm has just stalled right off the coast and it's taking forever to reach land.  Everyone just wants it to hit and move on.

9/3/04 - Friday

Evacuated Mom and Dad from Melbourne down here as it looks like the storm is going further north.  Getting very windy!

9/2/04 - Thursday

Moved lab samples and valuable equipment to main campus.  Helped cover Oceanographic Center offices and library shelves with plastic sheets in case of roof damage.  Hurricane projected to make landfall somewhere in Florida.

9/1/04 - Wednesday

It almost takes my breath away to say it's been eleven months today.  I arrived home to a potential hurricane and had to spend the day packing up the lab to move everything to higher ground.  My lab is right on the beach, so even an indirect hit could be devastating.  Joel was on my mind all day, and I had moments of pain and sadness for what I've lost.  At 5:50 PM I was sitting on the beach thinking about my past, Joel, and my future.  

I still love him more than anything.  I wear my wedding ring and his the same as always.  But, to be true to Joel's idea of this web journal being a place for honesty, I have to say I have begun to notice a slight shift in my perceptions of my identity.  For so long I have been Joel's wife, best friend, care giver, and then widow.  I'm feeling that identity just beginning to slip away ever so slightly.  It's very scary because I don't want to forget Joel or one minute of our life together.   Part of me wants to hang on to that identity and stay in this safe, peaceful place called grief.  But I've tasted the other side now.  There were moments in Front Royal where I was truly happy with no dark clouds, they were brief, but they were there.  I think it's more in my nature to seek out happiness than to stay in the darkness.  I am both happy and sad at the subtle changes in my personality. 

Now begins the countdown to the anniversary of Joel's journey to Heaven.  I have no idea what to expect.  Nothing surprises me anymore.  Of course it's my nature to share, so I'm sure I'll be journaling the whole thing.

Pray for safety from the hurricane for all the people on the SE coast.