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10/18/04 - Monday

Spent two days at a Marine Biotechnology Summit meeting where me and Marcy (another grad student in the lab) presented posters of our research.  Our advisor was an invited speaker and it was a good meeting.  

10/17/04 - Sunday

Hallelujah!  I finally won a triathlon.  I did the last sprint tri in a series and won overall female.  I had the fastest bike ever and thanks to a Coast Guard friend and fellow triathlete who's pushed me through some tough runs in other races, I had the fastest run of my life.  Joel would be shocked!  I sure hope he was watching.  I guess if the science thing doesn't work out, I can always be a pro triathlete, Ha Ha.

10/13/04 - Wednesday

Took a big leap of faith today.  Tried going through the day without my Joel and Jennifer necklace with his ring on the chain.  Up to this point, I never leave the house with out wearing it unless I'm racing or swimming.  I've just been feeling that I don't need to wear the necklace and his ring to feel close to him.  I've come to realize that being a walking memorial is not bringing him back, so I think I'll slowly begin to let go of some of the rituals I've held on to like wearing his t shirts and pjs.  I do still wear my wedding band on my left ring finger.  I still feel married to him. 

10/12/04 - Tuesday - Our 13th Anniversary

Today I thought about Joel all day.  Flowers from Hope and Wendy (they were in our wedding) made me smile.  I kept the grief away until I could get alone and watch our wedding video.  I laughed through most of it just remembering how young and nervous we were.  Joel missed the rehearsal so we had no clue what to do.  But when I saw the way he looked at me when he first saw me and the look on my face walking back down the aisle with him as husband and wife for the first time, I really gave into the sadness and loss and had a good cry.  I wrote Joel a long letter in a beautiful anniversary card and cried myself to sleep.   So, I survived yet another anniversary.  I wonder when I'll be able to get through these without so much pain and crying.

10/10/04 - Sunday

I survived the triathlon.  I won my age group (victories are bittersweet without Joel to share them with).  My feet hurt a little on the run, but other than that it was fun.

Spending the next few days with my parents while my Dad recovers from knee surgery to fix  torn cartilage.  

10/9/04 - Saturday

It's been a busy week in the lab.  Getting ready for a conference (another one) and still trying to keep all the projects moving forward.  First Olympic distance triathlon is tomorrow on Key Biscayne.  It's 1500 meter swim in the ocean, 24 mile bike, 6.2 mile run.  It will be a much bigger challenge than the sprints I've been doing all summer, but I've been very disciplined about my training and I feel ready.  

10/5/04 - Tuesday

Happy Birthday John

10/3/04 - Sunday
Sprint triathlon

10/2/04 - Saturday

Well, I survived the year anniversary.  It was actually the most peaceful 24 hours I've spent in a long time.  I ended up driving down to the Keys by myself.  It was an incredibly beautiful Friday afternoon, bright blue sky with white puffy clouds.  It reminded me of so many Friday afternoons Joel and I would escape to the Keys or to Hillsboro for a weekend get away.  The only difference was that he was not with me physically, but I had him with me in my heart.  The drive was memorable because of some music sent by Tash (thanks Tash!) that had a profound impact on me at this particular time.  I'll post the lyrics for everyone to read and you'll see what I mean.  Anyway, I found a beautiful small secluded hotel right on the beach and I parked myself on the beach around 5:30 pm to wait for 5:50 pm.  I spent time on the phone talking with friends and family, a pair of dolphins lazily swam by and at 5:50, I looked up at the sky and smiled through my tears and told Joel I missed him more than ever, but that I was Ok.  I think he watched me all day that day.  The rest of the evening was spent relaxing and more chatting on the phone...with old friend and some new ones.  Thanks to everyone that called to remember with me.  I stayed out on the beach until after the sun went down and finally turned off my phone and went to up to the room to sleep.

Now it is Saturday, October 2, one year from the first day of waking up without Joel for the rest of my life.  I know, such a depressing thought, but I'm used to it.  I spent the entire day out on the beach, snorkling around the rocks, napping and writing letters to Joel.  I took a kayak out around the mangroves looking to harass some manatees...just kidding law enforcement friends!   I finally dragged myself off the beach around 4pm and started the drive back home.   I listened to the same music all the way home feeling very peaceful.

Music for October 1, 2004   I just wanted to share these two songs with everyone.

We played this song at the interment ceremony up in New Prague in July.  I think this is what Joel felt and what he would want all of us to take with us after his experience.  And the rest of the CD is awesome.

 Life Means So Much

Chris Rice

Everyday is a journal page
Every man holds a quill and ink
And there's plenty of room for writing in
All we do and believe and think
So will you compose a curse
Or will today bring the blessings?
Fill the page with rhyming verse 
Or some random sketchings?

Teach us to count the days
Teach us to make the days count
Lead us in better ways
Somehow our souls forgot
Life means so much
Life means so much
Life means so much 

Every day is a bank account
And time is our currency
So no one's rich, nobody's poor
We get 24 hours each
So how are you gonna spend?
Will you invest or squander?
Try to get ahead
Or help someone who's under?

Teach us to count the days
Teach us to make the days count
Lead us in better ways
Somehow our souls forgot
Life means so much
Life means so much
Life means so much

Has anybody ever lived who knew the value of a life
And don't you think giving is all
What proves the worth of yours and mine

Teach us to count the days
Teach us to make the days count
Lead us in better ways
Somehow our souls forgot
Life means so much

Every day is a gift you've been given
Make the most of the time every minute you're living
(repeat until a thousand times a day!)

The other song is one that I had never heard until I got in the car on October 1 and started driving to the Keys.  It was the first song on the CD and it was just amazing how much it fit my heart at this point in my journey and echoed the prayers I've been sending upward.  Maybe this song will hit home for many others who have been through trials this past year.  The whole CD is excellent.  

Less Like Scars

Sara Groves

It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard 
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like...
Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear
 Less like an ending

And I feel you here 
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars 

And just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out
Hoping you would come
And I need You
And I want you here
And I feel you

And I know you're here 
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
You are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like...
Character

10/1/04 - Friday

One year ago today at 5:50 pm, Joel started his new life in Heaven and I began my journey with out him on earth.  It's been a long, difficult year, but it seems like the blink of an eye.  I have come a long way since that first day, but today I feel sadness returning.  I can feel  something overshadowing the sadness and pain and that is the outpouring of love and concern that our friends, family and extended family have shown me in the days leading up to today.  My swim team was waiting for me at practice this morning with flowers and hugs and tears and although my coach showed no mercy on me during the workout, we all went for a nice breakfast after practice.  I brought my scrap books and everyone just loved them.  I've been swimming with this same group for about 5 years and they were a big part of my support with out even realizing it.

I've gotten lots of emails and messages from friends just letting me know that they were remembering and missing Joel too.  Thank you so much!

I have planned how I'm going to spend the day today.  My friend who lost her son to cancer about 7 months ago...well, it's her son's birthday today.  He would have been 11.  She and I are driving down to the Keys to swim in the ocean and be there to support each other as we mourn, but also celebrate the lives of Joel and Brian.  

My heart goes out to Joel's family today as they remember and mourn and try to find some peace. 

Now, I'm off to the beautiful Florida Keys, one of our favorite places to visit during our wonderful years together.  I will miss him so much, but I think today there are windows in Heaven and I think he's watching me!