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| Journal - October 2003 | |
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This page was last updated 12/06/2004 . |
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10/31/03 - Friday Today was very busy...lot's of time on the phone and a trip to the VA to file some paperwork. A very nice older man helped me file the papers and he asked me what happened to Joel. After I told him the short version, he shared with me that he had stage 4 lymphoma. He had treatment, but he smoked and drank and never exercised and he's been in full remission for 9 years. Now how does that happen? I just don't get it. I've stopped twice at the local florist to buy a rubrum lilly (our favorite flower). Keeping them in the house reminds me of happy times like our wedding and just about every birthday, anniversary and Valentine's day. We both loved the way they made the whole house smell. The lady from the florist asked me why I decided to start buying flowers for myself, so I told her and she started to cry, then I started to cry, then the other person in the shop started to cry. We all had a good cry. The owner told me she would make sure she had one ready for me to pick up every Monday. It's just another thing I do that makes me feel like Joel is still here. On with the story of day 4 in Minnesota. (I'm doing this for my own memory as well as filling in friends and family.) I remember being pretty drained on Monday after the service and day trip to Stillwater. I could just feel myself starting to feel the permanence of the situation. I spent the day with the female contingent of the superfriends over at Brad and Kytyn's. This is the only group of women I have ever loved just being with. I think that is partially Joel's fault. He filled that 'girlfriend' role in my life too and I just never needed to develop relationships with other women. With this group, it is very natural and automatic. We had some good girl time and I even played 3 holes of golf with the other Joel in my life and Lael. My Joel would have found that hilarious...me playing golf with two of his best friends in the world. Especially since I've never played golf. He probably would have loved to have been there. I hope he was watching from heaven as Joel and Lael tried to teach me how to golf. It was not pretty, but they were patient and fun. If I had Joel and Lael to play golf with all the time, I might just take up the sport. That night I stayed over at Tasha's house. Her sweet husband, Eric, even made dinner for us so we could just hang out and talk. I spent a lot of time with my two new girlfriends, Lucy and Abby (Tash and Eric's beautiful daughters). This relationship is another one of the many gifts Joel left me..0 10/29/03 - Wednesday I can't believe it has already been a month since Joel died. Sometimes it feels like the blink of an eye, other times it seems like an eternity. Everyone asks how I'm doing and I don't know what to say. Something happened today that illustrates where I am in the process that I decided to share. I noticed that the dish sponges in our kitchen looked pretty grungy and needed to be replaced. Normally I would toss them and pick up new ones at the grocery store every so often. Today, I realized that those sponges were the sponges I was using in the kitchen while Joel was still alive and that replacing them, however bad they needed it, felt too much like moving on. So I left them right where they were. I hope that explains how I'm feeling. Anyway, on with the story of day 3 in Minnesota. Sunday, October 12, the day after Joel's memorial service also happened to be our 12th wedding anniversary. I went to church with the New Prague gang and was fortunate enough to experience Sunday Brunch at the O'Neill's. After that, I went back to Joel's house to meet up with his parents. You see, they, realizing it was going to be a difficult but special day, had arranged to take me to this beautiful little river town called Stillwater for the day. Stillwater was where Joel and I spent our honeymoon and we returned in subsequent years for romantic get-a-ways every time we visited Minnesota. They graciously drove me around to all the places Joel and I went that week so I could just recreate the memories of one of the happiest times in my life. We stopped at the Inn where we stayed and walked around and I could see the window of the room we stayed in. There was a beautiful tree right outside that window that was a glorious fall gold color and I remember that very same tree looking exactly the same 12 years ago. We even commented on it in the guest book. I took lots of video. I don't know if I'll ever be able to watch it, but it felt like the thing to do at the time. . They took me by the park we hiked in, down to the river where we took a canoe trip, down town to the shops and even by the restaurants where we had our favorite nights out. Then they took me out for a very special anniversary dinner that was wonderful.
They helped me get through the first of the series of very difficult events coming up. Next will be Thanksgiving, then Joel's birthday, then Christmas - his absolute favorite time of the year.
10/26/03 - Sunday This might be long...I have some catching up to do. I survived the first week at home by myself without Joel. Every moment is excruciating, but I have settled into a routine that I can move through to pass the time. I found some videos from our early dating years and first few married years. The only problem was they were all on numerous 8mm video tapes and our camera is newer and will not play those. So, I had to rent a camera, then figure out how to hook it up and get it to play on the TV and record onto VHS. I know that sounds easy, but that was always Joel's job. It only took a day and a phone call to my brother before I was copying away. It took me three days to go through all the old tapes and copy the best Joel moments on to VHS. I watch them over and over and I just fall in love with him even more with each passing day. I have not journaled the trip to
Minnesota yet, so I suppose that is something people might want to hear about
and even though I don't think I want to remember any of this, there were
beautiful moments scattered among the sad ones. By the time we got out to the cemetery, it started to rain. We were all huddled under the trees to stay dry. I was freezing, but Joel kept me warm with his academy letter jacket. See, he's taking care of me still.
Pastor Doyle read from the Bible
and just as he reached the most powerful part of the scripture a huge wind
roared across the cemetery bending the trees and almost knocking everyone
over. I just knew it was Joel and I laughed for the first time in
days. He was just sending that wind to say "Hey you guys, three
memorial services is enough! Now get home and start the party!"
Capt Grant presented me with a
flag in honor of Joel's service to the Coast Guard and his country. This
was a very difficult moment for me. Joel had become very close to Capt
Grant and he has watched over both of us since Joel became sick. The
service was concluded with taps.
Saturday night was a gathering of superfriends and Coast Guard friends at Dan and Ellen's home. It was a special night of remembering Joel. They made it special for me.
10/18/03 - Saturday I am back home after an incredible week in Minnesota for Joel's Memorial service in his home town. I left Joel's parents very lonely, but strong in their own faith so they will be able to get through the sad days ahead. I'm not alone yet...Catherine, one of the superfriends from New Prague came back with me and is staying until Monday. They are all angels and have gone through so much with me. I miss them already. Yesterday, she went with me on the first run since I lost Joel and despite the pain of being out of shape, I thought of Joel the whole time. I think he is running in heaven now. Not because he has a race to run, he finished his race, but just because he loved to run. I'm doing all the things everyone says I should be doing, but it is excruciatingly painful and lonely and sad. Catherine and I went to the beach today...just south of Port Everglades inlet where the service at sea was held. I swam in the ocean to be with him. It was just a beautiful day, a day that he and I would have spent on the beach. We went to Calvary Chapel tonight, the first time to a regular service without Joel. It was very difficult, he was the spiritual leader. He took notes for us on the bible study, he underlined the scriptures, he held my bible while I ran to the bathroom before service started. Now I have to do it all. I think God was glad to hear from me tonight because I've been a little quiet since Joel died. I had been in constant prayer and conversation with God for 20 months over Joel's healing. Then when he died, I just did not know what to pray for. I will find my way back, Joel would have wanted me to stay on the right path even without him. At least he got me going in the right direction. I'll be so busy next week that I'll be able to be on my own for a while. I hope. I am missing Joel still more every day as I run into his things in the house. His cereal is still in the cupboard and his toothbrush is still in the bathroom. His hockey and speed skates are hanging in the garage. It seems strange that a person can leave and not take one thing with them. When I get more time, I'll write about all that went on in Minnesota, healing time spent with family and friends and hopefully get some photos up on the site. Just to start the story on a lighter note...as I was preparing to leave for the airport last Thursday, I knocked over a 12 inch ceramic floor tile that was leaning up against the garage wall and it fell flat on my bare foot. It hurt like crazy, bled all over the place and blew up like a balloon. My brother convinced me to go to the ER to make sure it was not broken and despite Dr. Alvarez's super quick glue job and x-ray, I managed to miss the flight. I was able to get out on the first flight the next morning (thanks Brad!). The foot was not broken, but so swollen that it took my brother in law, Bruce, pushing and me pulling to get my nice brown boots on for Joel's service Saturday. I won't even tell you how bad getting that boot off hurt. But to look nice for my Joel, I would have endured anything. 10/11/03 - Saturday - Joel's Memorial Service at Home in New Prague, Minnesota This is Jen today, but I am not alone...I am in New Prague, surrounded by Joel's friends. We have celebrated his life during a beautiful ceremony at his parent's church. I thought it was not possible to be moved more than I was during the Florida service, but with each person that spoke and each song that was sung, I was more emotional than I thought. From Steve Czerwonka...Joel would want him to say "go Packers, beat Vikings" . Not true, Joel was a Vikings fan even during the Dan Marino glory days. From Jon Heller... the roses were red, the violets .. they blew. We knew that the breeze was kisses from you. The glasses we raised as we toasted our friend, the stories we told had humorous end. The love in this room for you man we smother, know that you're with us as we rock on my brotha. From Mike Stewart....Joel requested that I ask those who knew him and cared, that you raise a glass and remember of a good time of significance...so tonight with friends from home and the Coast Guard, here in Minnesota, with a Foster's beer in hand we are doing just that....telling stories of Joel with joy....he feels close and it feels right.... From Joel Dolbeck...Its amazing...if you were to close your eyes and listen to the conversation of Joel's friends you would think he was here. The vivid accuracy of the stories is uncanny...Joel is with us but listening from afar...We will never forget all that his has given us. Thank you for a lifetime of memories. From Brad Schoenbauer...Today has been a great celebration of Joel's life, with family and with friends from past and present. It's been great sharing the stories, the emotion, with all. To Sandy -- Thanks for your gift . . . it's helped make it a special day. From Dan O' Neill We are truly blessed to have Jen here for us to lean on and to get our taste of the " Joel of the day" with all her memories. God gave us Joel for such a short period of time that we will be ever tied to his beautiful love, Jennifer. I pray that we will be as much a part of her life as she and Joel were a part of ours. We are in Love with these two - however odd that seems - forever. Amen. From Lael Call - - Today was a day Joel would have loved. All of his friends sitting around a living room talking about life and sharing fond memories with each other. I had the honor of paying tribute to Joel during the memorial service. I am so fortunate to have known Joel in this life, the memory of his influence will forever remain. Peace, my brother. 10/8/03 - Wednesday It's been one week...I miss him more each day. I have information for anyone interested in making a donation as a memorial to Joel. A fund is being set up to benefit the New Prague High School Track and Field Team. Joel loved running and competing and had so many wonderful memories from his days on his home town team. I know he would be happy to know he was instrumental in helping the team. Joel Magnussen Memorial Track and
Field Fund I will be not be updating the
site next week, but will be back soon. 10/7/03 - Tuesday I guess I don't have to say it's Jen...because it's only me now, unless my cats learn how to use the computer! The last few days have been very intensely busy planning for the multiple memorial services for my Joel. I have just immersed myself in photos and videos of him when he was strong and healthy to try to erase the memories of the last few weeks when he was so sick. The service on Saturday was beautiful and I felt him every moment. I was so comforted by so many people having such incredible memories of Joel and sharing with me how he affected their lives in a positive way. How did I get so lucky to win this man's heart, I knew he was special, but wow... Today, Joel's parents, my brother and sister, Joel's friend Dan, and my friend Ronnie boarded a Coast Guard 41 foot patrol boat along with Capt Grant, Chaplain Greenslit, and Mike from the Coast Guard and Pat and Daniel from Calvary Chapel. We headed out about 3 miles east and a little south of Port Everglades, not far from where I go everyday to work in my lab. Chaplain performed a lovely ceremony and with the sun just rising over the ocean we committed part of Joel's remains to the sea. I tossed in a bouquet of our favorite flower, the rubrum lily, and everyone else followed with a single white rose. It was very beautiful, peaceful and fitting for Joel. A Coast Guard helicopter came screaming by with its characteristic sound and orange color just as we ended the ceremony. The pilot circled around and flew by a second time very slowly and low to the water and then took off into the distance, flying up toward heaven until out of sight. This was a moving tribute to Joel from the Coast Guard and I was very emotional (as if I have been anything other than emotional for the last week). I dropped off all of my guests at the airport and now it is only my brave brother, John, and me in my house. It's very quiet and I really miss Joel a lot. I miss his family and friends. I'll be up in Minnesota soon for the other service and burial and am really looking forward to reconnecting with everyone up there. I'm looking especially forward to seeing some friends that Joel and I have not seen for a long time. 10/3/03 - Friday Hello,
It's Jen here today. I am so busy planning a service that will honor Joel
perfectly, so I'll make this brief. I do want everyone to know that I
would love as many of you all who have supported and loved us through this
journey to attend if you can. I want to soak up everything you all can
tell me about what Joel meant to you. Calvary Chapel Ft Lauderdale 2401 West Cypress Creek Road Ft Lauderdale, FL 33309 954-977-9673 In lieu of flowers if anyone prefers to make a tax deductible gift in Joel's name, the following causes were very dear to Joel's heart. We will be adding Coast Guard related funds as well and I'll post those details as I get them. World Orphans 15971 Woodmeadow Court Colorado Springs, CO 80921 1-888-ORPHANS Calvary Christian Academy Athletic Fund – Attn: Pastor Tom Crenshaw 2401 W. Cypress Creek Rd Ft Lauderdale, FL 33309 Cleveland Clinic Florida Stomach Cancer Research Fund Acct#700910066123 P O Box 918631 Orlando, FL 32891-8631There will be a second service with lunch to follow on Saturday October 11, at 12 PM in Minnesota. After lunch there will be a ceremony at the New Prague Cemetery. I'll provide a few more details when I have more time. Friendship Church 17741 Fairlawn Ave. Prior Lake, MN 55372 952-447-8282 10/2/03 - Thursday It's Jen here...As many of you might already know, my Love, my Heart, my Soul mate, my Joel went to be with his Savior, Jesus Christ, last night around 6 pm. He is healed and whole and worshipping at the throne in Heaven. I feel joy for that, but my heart is so broken and my sadness is so deep that I can not even describe it. My grief is in proportion to how much I love him, so it is immense and it will go on for a very long time. I was with him, holding him, and his family was gathered along with some close friends, Chaplain Greenslit (from the Coast Guard), and even Dr. Niederman. That is all I'll share for now, but already there have been miracles happening and there will be many more. That is the legacy that Joel wanted to leave. I want to share a verse from the Bible that Joel was moved by right before he started chemo in February, 2002. It comes from the book of Acts, chapter 20, verse 22, which chronicles the Apostle Paul's ministry as he traveled to preach the good news. 'And see, now I go bound in the spirit to Jerusalem, not knowing the things that will happen to me there, except that the Holy Spirit testifies in every city, saying that chains and tribulations await me. But none of these things move me; nor do I count my life dear to myself, so that I may finish my race with joy, and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus to testify to the gospel of the grace of God.' Now Joel can say that he has finished his race as in 2 Timothy, chapter 4, verse 7-8: 'I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.' And I believe Joel was hearing Matthew chapter 25 verse 21: "His lord said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.' And I believe Jesus was saying to Joel "Assuredly I say to you, today you will be with Me in paradise". Luke 23:43. There will be a memorial service on Saturday, October 4 at 12:00 pm at Calvary Chapel Ft. Lauderdale. We will also have a second memorial service in Minnesota at Joel's parent's church probably on the following Saturday, October 11. More details on that to come. Thanks for sharing this journey
with us. I will keep the web site going and use it to communicate details
of the services for Joel.
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