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November 22, 2006

I'm not sure why I haven't been writing in Joel's journal over the past year.  I think it was because after I went through the 2-year anniversary, I was able to go through a good long stretch where I was living a life that didn't center around grieving for Joel.  It wasn't that I didn't miss him as much or think about him every second...it was that there were other things happening in my life that I cared about that were just about me.  I now find myself with a desire to write in the journal again because so much has happened over the last year that I want to make sure it gets down somewhere so I don't forget and because there have been a number of emotional events that have triggered some of the strong feelings and tendencies associated with hardcore grieving.  Also, our computer (I think Joel and I bought it back in 2000) is dying.  I think the hard drive is going so I am frantically backing up files and re-organizing files in prep for moving everything to the new computer I just ordered.  The new computer does not have FrontPage (the software I use to work on this web site) and I'm not sure I'm going to buy it, so I figure I better get the whole year updated and uploaded before the new computer arrives on Dec 8.  So, over the next week or so, I'll be adding to the journal as the memories of the past year come to me. 

As for how and what I'm doing and feeling right now...well, it's been 3 years and I know that this is the way I'm going to feel forever...in other words, I've done as much 'healing' as I'm going to do.  Of course it will be easier to live with as time continues on, but it will never change.  I still ache for Joel and long to hear his voice and laugh.  I realize that this is not at all where I expected to be at this point in my life.  I expected to be with Joel and by now, having a couple 'mini Joel and Jens' running around.  I expected to be building a family, building new memories, holiday traditions etc.  But that is not what is happening.  So I'm faced with learning to accept and embrace the life I find myself in.  

I have had fun and known joy this past year.  The bengals are thriving and funnier than ever.  They are gorgeous and have beautiful, wild faces...it's like living with baby tigers.  

PC and Grace                                                        Spot

The Zoo

Fang and Taz are still hanging in there.  Taz was diagnosed with diabetes earlier this year and I now give him insulin shots twice a day.  I tried dating, but discovered I only know how to be Joel's wife and the new person I've become, but was terrible at being someone else's  'girlfriend' even though the guy was super.   I realized that I need more time on my own to continue my personal, professional, spiritual, and emotional development.  I'm faced with a huge decision right now regarding my career.  Although I have been on a leave of absence from grad school, I have continued the research and managed a couple more publications...including my very first paper as the first author.  But, I'm feeling a conflict between staying in school for another 4 years to get a PhD vs getting out now and going to work with my MS.  I'm tired of living on a student budget.  There are things I need to do to the house, yard, car maintenance etc, you know, grown up financial responsibilities...that require a grown up income.  I'm really struggling with the decision right now and soon I will be past the point of no return in the PhD program.  I have resurrected my fitness and music careers a little bit...in anticipation of the potential transition period from school to job.  There will probably be a period while I am job searching full time, so I have taken a few flute gigs and got qualified to teach 3 new workshops for the fitness education company I work for.  Needless to say, I don't have a lot of free time!  But, I'm pretty content and get a lot of satisfaction from my research and enjoy every minute with the bike group, swim team and running with my good friend and distance running mentor, Ann.

The main trigger has been the loss of my Mom.  She died on October 23, 2006.  She became more and more ill over the past year due in part to a couple bad falls and her doctor suggested Hospice care in the home back in June.  She did fine until around August and the decline was steady from then on.  I was able to take a leave of absence from grad school starting back in June, that enabled me to spend a couple days a week with them visiting with Mom and giving Dad a break and ultimately I was able to stay all week and my brother would take over on the weekends.  It was extremely difficult for me to watch her go through many of the same stages Joel went through.  I was re-living his last few months, day by day, moment by moment, as my Mom continued to decline.  I was reminded of one of the most difficult aspects of losing someone in this way...losing the ability to communicate with the person.  With Joel and my Mom, there came a point where they were still somewhat awake, but had lost the ability to speak.  It is so scary and frustrating to not be able to understand the mumbling and slurred words...you don't know if they are in pain, scared, or if it's just gibberish.  I have learned that it is critical that I tell the people that mean the most to me how I feel about them before it's too late.  

My brother and I were with her when she died...and it was peaceful.  We put together a beautiful memorial service for her back in her hometown in North Carolina.  I did what I do best during sad times....dig out the photos and make a Scrapbook!   I gathered photos from all stages of her life and spent 18 hours non-stop putting them together in a scrapbook along with some of her writings of growing up on the farm back in North Carolina.   

I miss my Mom...I miss our nightly phone conversations where she answer the phone and right away say "tell me a kitty story!".  She was so entertained by the daily antics of the bengals.  She never got to meet them in person, but I showed her my home movies starting from the first day I brought them home.

I'll miss her wonderful food and holiday traditions.  I'll miss her sense of humor and the way she knew what was going on inside my head and heart like no one else.  She was very brave and faced her own mortality with dignity and grace.  

We're all doing ok, but not at all excited about the upcoming holidays with two empty chairs at the table.  It's just too much, so we've decided to skip Thanksgiving, and discuss Christmas later.  Not that we're skipping the spirit of the holiday, just the rituals and traditions that go along with that would be too difficult to endure right now.  My bike group is doing a long ride Thanksgiving morning, so I'll join them and then spend a peaceful day at home with the cats.

Another trigger was the annual Coast Guard Innovation Expo.  I got a call in May from the office of the Commandant (Admiral Allen) to invite me to join him in presenting this year's Joel Magnussen award.  It was too short notice for Joel's parents to make it down, but I was able to go because the Expo was just over in Tampa.  Joel's best buddy, Joel Dolbeck, was my personal VIP escort for the two days.  It was very emotional for me because a number of Joel's classmates were there and I had the opportunity to catch up with them.  I got to meet a good friend of Joel's that he worked with the last year before he died, someone that Joel was very fond of and I was so happy to meet!  So many people went out of their way to let me know that they had not forgotten Joel and that they missed him.  The Admiral was wonderful and kind and in introducing the award, reminded everyone of just how amazing Joel was.  So I stood between the Commandant of the Coast Guard, and the Deputy Secretary of Homeland Security and got to congratulate this year's award recipients.  Wow, that doesn't happen every day!  The event left me physically and emotionally exhausted, but so happy.  Not many people who have lost loved ones have the opportunity to honor and memorialize like this year after year.  I will try to be at the Expo every year for as long as the Coast Guard will put up with me.  Joel's parents are going to the 2007 Expo.

Another event that took place just before the Coast Guard Ceremony, was an award ceremony back in Joel's home town of New Prague, Minnesota.    Joel was inducted into the NPHS Alumni Hall of fame.  Our wonderful friend, Ellen, who I'll always feel a connection with because she was there with us October 1, 2003...she put together the nomination package for Joel and submitted it.  We were all invited to the award ceremony and got to see the large plaque that is now on the wall of the high school as you walk in the main door.  It has a wonderful photo of Joel in his uniform and a description of the honorable work he did as an alumnus of the high school and community.

The highlight of the year for me personally was the Florida Half Ironman triathlon at Disney in Orlando in May, 2006.  I really wanted to do this distance (1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike, 13.1 mile run) but my training over the winter was pretty slack.  Finally in March, I decided to get serious, so I added some longer runs and rides to my schedule.  I have had NO experience with long distance running prior to this time...so I was starting from scratch, but managed one 12 mile and one 14 mile run in the weeks prior to the race.  I followed a program that I sketched out on a scrap of paper one day while taking a break from assembling DNA sequences from sand tiger sharks.  I was pretty nervous in the weeks leading up to the race, mostly because of the run...just didn't have enough miles to feel confident.  But, I played it smart the last week, followed the advice given in the magazine articles I'd read and headed for Orlando on Friday before the Sunday race.  To make a long story short, I had a great time during the race...I felt super!  I took it easy on the swim and due to light winds and nice rolling hills, had a very enjoyable bike ride.  I remember thinking about Joel during that bike ride and thanking God for him and for the gift of joy I get from doing this crazy sport.   It was a beautiful day and the hilly country side of central Florida was such a nice change from S. Florida.  Because I had such a nice bike, I felt great when I went out on the run. My legs started to feel a little tight for the last 4 miles of the run, but the cheering spectators got me through it.  I actually got choked up a little as I rounded the last corner heading in the the finish line.   A lot of people had trouble with the heat at this point...about 11am, but I don't have a problem with heat and humidity, so I finished the half marathon right at a 9 min mile pace and my total time was 5 hrs 20 mins.  I expected a 6 hour finish, so I was thrilled with my time and place in my age group.  Longer distance is definitely my forte.  Going fast hurts too much!  Anyway, I felt so happy about completing that race...Joel would have been proud.