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11/29/04 - Monday

Spent Thanksgiving and most of the weekend with my parents and brother.  We had a nice couple of days.  The focus was largely on nursing my Mom back to health.  Thanksgiving  was much easier than last year when I was an emotional wreck, but I definitely  feel a strong increase in the sadness and sense of loss.  I'm sure this is due to the approaching holidays.  Joel and I spent so many years happily building our own memories of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's.  So, as I encounter smells, sounds, songs, familiar settings, I feel this overwhelming sense of loss and painful aching to have him and all of the memories back.  It's such a powerful feeling it almost buckles my knees and keeps me on the verge of tears.  This was not unexpected.  In the first place, last year at this time I was dealing with the initial grief, so the holidays were secondary, so this is actually more like the first holiday season without Joel.  Secondly, I expect to have these waves of grief, especially around anniversaries and special occasions for the rest of my life.  So I don't feel I'm going backwards, just encountering normal cycles associated with such a huge loss.  Joel and I loved this time of year so much and we often heard news stories reporting highest percentages of depression during the holidays.  I had a hard time understanding that back then, but now, I can identify with that completely.   I think I'll be one of those people for a long time.   It's not bad enough to interfere with functioning at a normal level, but it just feels like I'm carrying a heavy weight around and on the verge of tears all the time.  I feel a little less interested in work and other activities, but I drag myself through it anyway.  I'm sure it will pass, and like before, there is peace on the other side of it.

11/24/04 - Wednesday

Happy Thanksgiving.  This marks the beginning of my second holiday season without Joel.  I know I'm in a lot better shape emotionally this year than last, but I'm still going to miss him just as much.   Most of the magic of these events is gone without Joel in my life.  I can only hope that it will return one day.  

I officially joined a bike group.  I've tried riding with several different groups and think I'll settle with this one.  They are fast, experienced and safe and they meet right around the corner from my house.  Other than riding a lot, I've been continuing the research and playing a few music gigs.  It's the busy season for musicians so I have to make hay while the sun shines.

11/15/04 - Monday

Ok, a quick update.  I have not written because nothing's been going on.  I got back from Oregon with a HUGE lab "to do" list (that's what happens when you travel to a conference with your major professor).  So it would be really boring to read about that stuff.   Anyway, it's all going very well.  

Triathlon season is over, so I've been concentrating on riding my bike.  I've found lots of groups to ride with and met lots of new people...no interesting boys (I seem to be getting that question a lot lately).  It's kind of hard to flirt when you're about a foot off the wheel of the bike in front of you and going about 26 mph!  It's a little stressful to be honest.  

My Mom's been very sick...in and out of the hospital.  She's finally home and now trying to get her strength back.  Being in the hospital made her worse.  Joel used to tell me to keep him out of the hospital at all costs.  I couldn't save him, but I did keep that promise.  He only stayed in the hospital one night during a blood transfusion and he had a me and a  posse of best buddies from New Prague standing guard.  

On the bengal cat front:  several breeders have emailed me with news of babies!  They are all too young to have visitors.  Apparently Momma bengals will rip your throat out if you get too close to their babies at this stage...must be the Asian Leopard Cat wild genes!  So, in a few weeks, I'll be making my rounds to visit kittens until  I find the perfect pair to bring home to meet "the boys".  

My brother's brass band (Brass Band of Central Florida) won first place at the US open competition last weekend.  Apparently they were outstanding.  They now rank first in the US and will probably be competing on the European circuit in the future.  Here's the link to their web site.  

www.brassbandofcentralflorida.org

I think that's about it for now.  Thanks for keeping up with my journey.  

11/1/04 - Monday

Just got back from a great trip to Oregon.  It was all lab business...a conference sponsored by the Northwest Association for Wildlife Forensic Scientists and hosted by the US Fish and Wildlife Service Forensics lab in Ashland.  Oregon is incredibly beautiful and full of the friendliest people I've ever met.  If it wasn't so cold, I'd move there.  

Oddly enough, even though I think about Joel all the time and today was no exception...I didn't think about it being 13 months at all.  Now that I survived the big build up to the year anniversary, I guess I no longer have the need to track every single anniversary.   I can go through most Wednesday nights without even thinking about what happened at 5:50 pm on Wednesday Oct 1, 2003.  These are all baby steps towards reclaiming my life from the grief.