This page was last updated 01/05/2004 .

Home

11/30/03 - Sunday

I'm home from my weekend up at my parents' house.  Thanksgiving was extremely difficult despite my family doing their best to keep it cheerful and as normal as possible.  My sadness had been building all day and Joel's absence from the table was just too much.  I made it through grace and then had a total meltdown and had to leave the table and be by myself for the rest of the afternoon.  I just could not force myself to sit there and eat when my heart was so broken.  I think my parents and my brother missed Joel almost as much as I did.  It was doubly tough for them to watch me suffering and feel their own grief over Joel.  

It's not that I don't realize I have a lot to be thankful for.  I am thankful for all the positive things in my life.  I keep hearing the story of Jesus healing the 10 lepers and only one expressing thanks.  I've heard it about 6 times in the last few days.  I think it's God trying to get me to think about something besides my loss.  I can remember during Joel's treatment, after many months of ups and a lot of downs, we had to learn to celebrate and be thankful for even the smallest victories...like getting some vitamins down or having a day with no nausea.  We would high five each other and whisper thanks to God.  I need to learn how to do that again.

Thanksgiving left me feeling the need to wrap myself up in good memories...so the next day I drove to the place where it all began.  Joel and I met at the Academy, but the romance began in Cocoa Beach.  I drove to Joel and Joel's old condo on the beach, the place where I met up with him for the first time three years after leaving the Academy.  We spent so many days that spring and summer on the beach behind the condo.  We would hang at the beach all day and go out dancing or to a concert at night.  It was such a magical time in our relationship.  I parked my car and walked out to the very spot on the beach we used to go.  I know the spot because I have home video of us on the very same beach (thank you Joel Dolbeck!).  I sat on the beach for a while, just basking in the memories of those happy days and then I went for a swim, a really short swim, since Cocoa Beach is way north of Ft Lauderdale!  It may seem sad to some people, but it makes me happy.  I felt  so much better after that visit to our beach.  Experiences like that give me the fuel I need to make it through a few more days.  

That's all I have to report.  Thanks for listening, it helps to get these emotions out so they can move along at a healthy pace.

11/26/03 - Wednesday

Well, tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.  Take lot's of pictures and videos of these special times.  And grab the camera away from the person who always gets stuck filming everyone else and film that person!  

I'm going to my parent's in the morning, but I just found out my Dad bought a sugar-free pumpkin pie this year.  Bummer, the one year I'm don't care about sugar intake and everybody else is on the low-carb kick.  Oh well.  I will be very sad spending my first Thanksgiving with out Joel.  I'll be sitting around Mom and Dad's in Joel's pj's all day and that is about as close as I can get to him.  I'll let you know how the day went when I get back.  

11/24/03 - Monday

Worked in the lab today and then went to the beach to talk to Joel.  It was really beautiful and I missed him  a lot.  A long time ago he told me that if he died before me, I could scatter his ashes in the ocean so that whenever I needed to feel him, all I had to do was go to the beach and dive into the waves and he would be all around me.  It was just that kind of day today.  

Below is a picture of Hope and Wendy and I taken during their visit last weekend.  Beach Girls forever!

Here are my two trouble makers, Fang and Taz.  Sneakers escaped the camera.  One of these two brought a baby snake in the house from the patio.  It was dead by the time I found it, poor thing.

11/23/03 - Sunday

Another week is behind me and I suppose that means another week closer to feeling better.  I'm still stuck in the past, reliving our memories, organizing photos, working on our scrapbook...these are the only times I am happy.  I feel pretty good about staying there for a while longer.  I'm doing all my normal things, lab, swimming, music etc, I just make sure to schedule time with Joel every night.  We have so many photos, it's quite possible I'll be putting them in albums for the rest of my life.

I'm gearing up for the first Thanksgiving without Joel.  I'm not sure how I'll feel.  I don't see how it could possibly be worse than any other day.  A day without him is a day without him holiday or not.  It still hurts the same.

I know I've probably turned Joel's wonderful, inspiring and uplifting journal into something sad, but I'm sure it's only temporary.  I've been praying for God to start mending my broken heart and easing this terrible and constant pain.  I think in the initial stages of grieving, I needed to acknowledge my broken heart and honor the pain.  But you come to a point where, if you don't get some relief, you'll get physically  as well as emotionally ill.  I'll start a grief course at our church in February.  There's one going on now, but I did not want to start in the middle of it.  And I am not ready to deal with my grief yet.  For now, I just let it do what it wants.  By February, I think I'll be ready to start getting down to the business of dealing with it.  That's probably more than anyone wants to know about my emotional state, but Joel told me not long ago, to write from my heart when I write in his journal, so that's what I'm doing.  It's past my new bedtime, more later (plus photos!)

11/21/03 - Friday

Well, Joel's car is gone.  I guess that confirms that I now live alone.  I took it out for a drive last night and played some of Joel's favorite music in the CD player really loud, just like he used to listen to it.  Then I sat in it in the driveway for a long time and just talked to him.  I will miss seeing his car in the driveway when I turn on to our street.  It always made me smile because I knew he was at home waiting for me.  Now all I have to come home to are 3 very high maintenance cats!

I have resumed my research in the lab this week.  It's going well and feels as if I never left.  I noticed in my lab book that Sept 2 was the last day I worked.  I can't believe I was wasting time at school during Joel's last month on earth.  But at the time, I had no idea it was his last month.  If only...

This is short because all the nights of going to sleep at 2 am and getting up at 6 am are catching up with me and I can hardly sit up.  It's not because I can't sleep, but because I just have so much to do right now that it takes until 2 am to get everything done.  It takes me a few days to return phone calls and emails.  But I'll share the really big news before I go.  I got a call from Mike and Capt Grant from the Coast Guard this morning.  There has been an award created in Joel's honor, the Commander Joel Magnussen Management Innovation Award.  The Coast Guard has invited me to attend the first ceremony which will take place in Savannah this spring at the innovation conference.  I was floored!  I think it's such a great way to honor Joel's contribution to his Coast Guard world.  For me it's another memorial that helps me keep him alive in my heart.  He would probably think an award named after him was silly, but he would be so excited to know that people are being inspired and rewarded for thinking in creative, new ways.   I'll post more details when I have them.  For now, good night.

11/19/03 - Wednesday

Wednesday, a day of the week I'll always associate with Joel's death.  Same with 6 PM, same with October 1, same with the year 2003.  I'm told that will get better eventually when I replace what happened with other, more positive memories.

It was so great seeing Hope and Wendy.  I am amazed again at how lucky Joel and I are to have people in our lives who will leave their families and fly across the country to be by my side during a time of need.  They even went to my flute recital Sunday.  It was my first recital as an adult and Joel was supposed to be there.  But Hope and Wendy were pretty good stand ins.  The three of us made up for lost time and did our own version of memorializing...hurricane lanterns made of Henderson Street beach sand and shells, matching 'flip flop' charms and little books on the joys of forever friendships.  Good times.

After Hope and Wendy left, I had a rough couple days.  I had been with my brother and his band (The Brass Band of Central Florida) the weekend before.  They are a professional group that plays concerts, and gigs in the Orlando area and competes with other brass bands from Europe and the US.  I  went with him to his last competition and had a pretty good time.  They were so awesome, they blew me away.  They took second place, losing only to one of the highest ranked bands in the world from the UK.  But they are now ranked the number one brass band in the US.   They are sort of a cross between a drum and bugle corps (with out the choreography), brass choir, orchestra and military band.  Anyway, between that and having Hope and Wendy around, I had been very insulated from my sadness for a good week or so and it really came crashing in on me after they all left.  I cried all day Monday and Tuesday while I sat in front of the computer trying to get some work and business done.  I sold Joel's car and the new owner will be picking it up on Friday.  I have mixed emotions about that.  It is really the first thing of Joel's I will have to let go, but he was not very attached to the car.  To him it was just a hunk of metal that got him from point A to point B.  So maybe I'll be ok letting go of it. 

 Tuesday night I dragged myself out to 'group therapy'.  This is actually a group of ladies that go every Tuesday night from about 5 pm to midnight to a scrapbook shop for an open workshop session.  Everybody spreads their books and photos out on long tables and gets to work.  This is my new obsession (did I say obsession...I meant hobby).  I am making a scrapbook that will be the tribute to end all tributes to my wonderful Joel.  It's group therapy because all the girls sit around and talk about their troubles with their kids, school, husbands, work, etc.  I don't talk, I just work and listen.  For me, it is therapy because every photo and detail that goes onto a page is an expression of my love and admiration for him.  I don't know that I will necessarily need the finished product, it is more the act of putting it together that is therapeutic for me.  I work in a frenzy until about 9 pm.  Then I walk to the grocery store next door and get peanut M&Ms and a diet coke.  Then I work in a frenzy again until midnight.  It's the same every Tuesday night.  I find myself getting into these ritualistic routines.  Maybe it's because they help pass the time, maybe it's that I find comfort in control, I'm not sure.  Something for me to figure out.  I usually only get two pages of the book done because it has to be so perfect.  The Tuesday night scrappers don't know about Joel, but they always kid me about all the photos I have of him and us.  They just think we're newly weds.  Maybe one day I'll tell them the truth.  

11/18/03 - Tuesday

I have to finish the story of my trip to Minnesota, or I will forget everything that happened.  On Thursday of that week, which was October 16,  I went with Kytyn and her girls over to Brad's once family farm where he he grew up.  Now it is run by Brad's brother.  It happened to be a day for combining (not combining as in mixing, combining as in large farm implement) corn and I went for a ride!  What a cool thing to sit up high in one of those huge combines and all you can see is corn stalks disappearing in front of you.  It was an incredibly gorgeous day, blue sky, sunny and a little cold.  Wow, Joel would have loved that ride!  

I went back to Joel's house that afternoon and took a long walk around his farm.  We often walked the farm when we would visit, so I just wanted to try to find a place where I could feel his presence.  But I did not, he is totally gone.  The only thing I feel are the memories and feelings I conjure up with my own mind and heart.  He is absolutely gone, not on earth, not a ghost, nothing.  About that time, another one of the 'superfriends'  (Pam) pulled up to go to dinner in New Prague.  We had a pretty extravagant dinner at a place where Joel and I had dinner on our honey moon.  We spent time catching up and talking a lot about Joel.  Pam happened to by the first of the group that I met.  Joel and I were just dating while he was in Cocoa Beach and I was down for spring break.  Pam was down visiting too and we got to hang out with Joel and Joel and the other guys for a few days before they headed out on patrol on the Diligence.  Anyway, Pam and I  had a great time.  We stopped by to say goodbye to Dan and Ellen and then I had the surreal task of meeting Joel's parents to go over monument options for Joel and the family plot.  I'll spare the details, but let's just say, I felt like I was in an alternate universe, sitting there shopping for my husband's grave stone at the ripe old age of 36.  There is something so unnatural about the situations I have found myself in!

Thursday was the last night in Minnesota and we had some good family time back at Joel's house.  Brad picked me up early Friday morning and took me to the airport where I met Catherine, who graciously flew back with me for a few days.  That was October 17 and I've already written about that, so I think I'm finished with that section.   It only took a month to write about one week.  It was a whirlwind week.  My brain is torn between trying to forget everything that happened and trying to hold on to each sweet moment with all these special people who meant so much to Joel throughout his life.  I think for now I can do a little bit of both.  

11/16/03 - Sunday

I've had a busy couple weeks which I'll go back and fill in later.  But now I have two of my very best friends here with me...Hope and Wendy.  They were my college roommates, we shared a condo at Wrightsville Beach, NC my sophomore year at UNCW.  We had the best times on the beach and became life long friends.  We were in each others weddings and have not seen each other since Wendy's wedding 9 years ago.  This get together was long over due.  They came in on Thursday and we've been catching up non-stop.  I've asked them to write in the journal...whatever they want to say...

Wendy...Jen and Joel have both impacted my life over the years, but I will have to say that the last year has been the most inspirational!  Jen and I have always had such a special friendship that I will forever cherish!  You are such a strong and giving (unconditionally) person!  We lived together for such a short period of time, but the impact that it has had on our lives is immeasurable!  I will forever thank God for our gift of friendship that will forever bond us!  

I loved to see Joel  and those gorgeous blue eyes watching Jen.  He was her prince and she was definitely his princess.  There was such a presence  of love to be around either of them.  Joel has given me such a wonderful gift through his journal!  Thank you Joel for all of your inspiring thoughts and encouragement! You have helped me to see my own life through new eyes.    I thank God that he sent you to us... you have enriched and blessed our lives in so many ways  even for such a short period of time.  Even though your physical presence will be missed greatly, I know that your work in Heaven has just begun... We love you Joel!!!

Hope...Who knew many moons ago when trying to find roommates to occupy the coolest beach house on Henderson Street in Wrightsville Beach that a friendship would be created between us girls that would stand the test of time and life's many twists and turns! We were all different but yet in so many ways, many which we would find out later, were really the same.  We knew after that short time in the fall of  '87 that our lives would always be connected.  I now realize that we were all brought together by a higher being and fate was in play back then.  Our God is an awesome God and he knew we would need each other then and now.  True friendship has no boundaries.  This girlfriends weekend has been a gift to us all. We have had an amazing time catching up with each others lives.  We have talked and laughed until our jaws hurt until wee hours in the morning, every night!  We have had numerous "group hugs" that have been fun...and therapeutic! We stayed busy for 4 wonderful days and soaked up the warm Florida sun.  We pampered ourselves to a  luxurious spa afternoon, ate lots of delicious meals and did some serious "retail therapy" that brought new meaning to the phrase "shop to you drop" !!  Most of all, we enjoyed just being together and reminiscing about the fairy tale love story of Jen and Joel!  How blessed  they were to have found each other and have lived a lifetime of true happiness in such a short amount of time.  All our lives have been touched by them and their life adventure.  Joel was a gift to us all.  What an angel he was here on earth even before he got his wings in heaven! His zeal for life and ability to live it to the fullest is so inspirational to us all.  I will try to appreciate every single day whether good or bad and realize that I am not in the drivers seat. Going back to the reality of family life in Wilmington will be hard this week.  I will hug my 3 kids, husband Bob, my golden lab Dixie and tell them I love them a million times and try to show them every single day.  And oh yeah...take countless photos and get them organized!  Jen, you are an inspiration to us all!  We are looking forward already to our next Henderson Street reunion!

11/4/03 - Tuesday

I'm sure this is to be expected, but I feel like I'm going through a phase where I'm feeling worse instead of better.  I feel more sad and miss Joel more intensely every day.  I spend a lot of time going through all of his possessions.  It's critical to my survival to locate, touch, read and examine everything of his.  I've been up in the attic and started bringing down boxes of his stuff.  I feel like I know him on a whole new level and I could reconstruct every day of his short life because he saved everything and journaled frequently.  I've decided to start my own written journal, which I have done sporadically throughout our marriage.  I always took a journal on trips and special occasions, but now I need one for thoughts and memories as they come into my head.

Where did I leave off in the Minnesota story?  I think Tuesday morning (day 5) at Tasha's.  Joel D. came over and Tasha made us breakfast so we could have some good time to catch up on each other's lives.  It was great to talk to him and I feel like I have another brother watching out for me.  I'll see Joel, Nancy and the boys when they visit Florida over the holidays.  The rest of the day was spent with my Joel's family...nieces, nephews and all!  We went to a cute town for lunch and browsing and then for a vigorous hike in a local state park.  I needed extra arms so I could hold hands with all the kids at once as we ran through the leaves.  At any given time, I had one on each side and one piggy back!  

Back at Laurie and Bruce's we watched home movies of Joel until everyone started falling asleep.  Not me, I could watch him forever.  The next morning (Wednesday) (day 6) we visited with some friends and watched more videos.  We were a production line of dubbing onto VHS so everyone in the family could have copies of classic Joel moments.  After leaving Bruce and Laurie's, I went to Brad and Kytyn's for the night.  I went with Brad to watch his daughter Amanda's dance class.  She performed so beautifully even though she was recovering from an ankle injury - what a pro!  After dance class, I had dinner with the family and then proceeded to kick their butts in a game of SORRY!  Amanda gave up her bedroom to me for the night and bunked with her two little sisters.  It was good to spend time with the families of Joel's very best friends...something he would have loved to do!

11/2/03 - Sunday

Tonight was a dinner at the home of Joyce (grief ministry at Calvary Chapel) for myself and some of the other women in the bereavement group.  Joyce made such a wonderful dinner that I was enticed to eat a ton, despite my lack of appetite.  After dinner we sat and chatted for awhile and the conversation turned to me...being the newest addition to the group.  As I talked on and on about Joel, his illness, our love, my sadness...  I kept looking around the room at the other women expecting them to start looking uncomfortable and fidgety, looking at their watches, wondering when I would stop talking.  But that is not what they did.  They all sat quietly, calmly, looked at me straight in the eyes and listened to me for as long as I wanted to talk.  The things I had to say would make anybody else uncomfortable, but they were not moved.  They have all been there before.  They just listened compassionately with out offering advice or words of wisdom because they all know that does not help.  I have the feeling that they would have stayed up all night just listening if I would have needed to talk, but lucky for them I finally got tired and we ended the night.  I am looking forward to developing these friendships in the future!  Besides having the whole widow thing in common, they are all just really super women.  

11/1/03 - Saturday

One month ago tonight...my life turned upside down.  

I met 3 of the other women who have lost husbands recently and have finished a bereavement course at church called Grief Share.  We met at the Calvary Cafe for dinner and then went to the church service together.  It was so wonderful to meet these women whose circumstances are different than mine, but who share so many of the same feelings.  They are farther along in the process so it gives me hope to see that they are coming out of the dark and back into brighter days.