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May 2005

May 28 - Saturday

It's done!  The whole week was spent preparing for my defense...long hours in front of the computer making slides and working on a script and rehearsing.  Not much sleep leading up to the big day but I'm sure that happens to everyone.  The defense went great...much better than I expected...about a 50 minute presentation and about 20 minutes of questions after.  It was open to the other students and faculty so most of the questions were just out of curiosity about the whole shark fin trade.  I was a little tense when I first started, but as soon as I got into the 2nd or 3rd slide I just relaxed and enjoyed myself.  I got to work on very cool projects, so it was great to be able to finally tell everyone in the other departments what I had been doing all this time.  My advisor was proud of me, especially for sticking it out when I really wanted to just quit.  My last slide was an awesome picture of Joel standing against the rail of a Coast Guard ship with the ocean at dusk in the background.  He was the reason I went back to school in the first place and was instrumental in supporting me during that time so I had to publicly acknowledge him.  It was an emotional moment for me and everybody that knew what had happened.  It was difficult, but he made me promise that I would finish no matter what and I just wanted to say that I kept my promise.  I feel very relieved and very elated...the closest thing to Joy I've felt in a long time.  Almost everyone from the lab went to dinner after to celebrate with me.  A few people were in Belize on a research trip...I can't believe they chose Belize over my defense, the nerve!   

Rehearsing the presentation...my test audience was clearly unimpressed.

So the big question is...what next?  Well, more of the same.  I started working on new projects about a year ago and I'll just continue those with the goal of getting a PhD in a few more years.  My advisor "generously" gave me the weekend and Memorial Day off, but I'm back in the lab Tuesday morning with a huge "to do" list that I've put off because of the thesis.   Thanks for all the emails of support...and for being understanding that I've been living in a cave for the last 6 months during the writing phase.  Now I don't have an excuse for taking forever to return phone calls and emails etc.  I don't know what I'll do with all the time I've been devoting to writing.  Maybe sleep.

May 23 - Monday

Wrapped up a long week in the lab to start putting together a 45 min PowerPoint presentation for my defense...5 days to go.  Can't believe it's just about here.  I picked up my 'commencement regalia' at the campus bookstore the other day, so that made it seem real.  It feels like a lifetime ago that I went to my first class as a grad student and even longer that Joel came up with the brilliant idea that I should consider going back for a Masters as an 'older student'.  Looking back, I'm so glad I did it even though it almost drove me insane at times.  

Kittens are huge and crack me up with their antics.  I caught Taz carrying PC in his mouth again.  I don't know where he was dragging him off too.  I wish I would have had the camera handy.  

May 16 - Monday

Had a great weekend with my brother visiting.  We played for my school (Nova Southeastern U) undergraduate and law school commencements.  It's always a fun gig.  We went out for dinner in the little down town area of my community and I ran into lots of people I knew from my days as a trainer/instructor at the athletic club.  It was the first time I'd been out and about on a weekend night.  I almost missed my triathlon on Sunday...overslept and got to the start with about 30 seconds to spare.  What a shocking way to start the day...one minute asleep and the next in freezing cold water with a bunch of crazy people swimming and kicking to get out in front.  Triathlon season is in full swing...I have a race just about every other weekend from now to November (if I want to do that many).  As long as I stay injury free, I might as well, it's my social outlet for now.

Not much else going on...just working in the lab, and getting ready for the defense.

May 8 - Sunday Happy Mother's Day

Well, the cats didn't even get me a card, the ungrateful beasts!   Today I think of my Mom and all she did for me since the day I was born.  I think of Joel's Mom, who is experiencing this day without a phone call from her only son and how hard that must be.  I think about the possibility that I might have been a mom myself by now if Joel had not gotten sick.  I would have finished my MS in 2003, so that would have given us plenty of time to get going on starting the Magnussen family.  I guess I shouldn't dwell on what could have been, but instead try to live in the moment.  

May 1 - Sunday

At midnight last night, I assembled the completed chapters of my MS thesis to turn in to my committee Monday morning.  I finished it, ironically, on the first of the month which will forever be an anniversary.  I feel a huge sense of relief.  It was a very difficult exercise.  I started so long ago and then got delayed by Joel's illness and death that by the time it came time to write it, I had to do most of the research (scientific literature, not lab work) all over again.  So it just took forever.  My defense date is set for Friday, May 27th and I still have to put together a powerpoint presentation for that, but I have most of it done already from past presentations at conferences.  I'm resuming work on the new projects that will ultimately be part of my PhD stuff...billfish genetics (marlins, sailfish etc).  I'm still working on the shark stuff too.  

My dad recovered from the pneumonia and even though he was very sick for a while, it was nice to go up and spend some time with my parents and try to do some small things for them.  While I was away, the kittens set off my burglar alarm.  The security company called me at 11 pm one night and said my alarm was going off and they were sending the police to the house.  I was frantic of course, worrying about the cats getting out.  They called me back a few minutes later to tell me that all the doors and windows were secure, but it was an interior motion detector going off....hmmm.  Those things are supposed to be set pet safe...but not my crazy bengal kittens.  They must have been leaping off the top of the skyscraper to set the motion detector off.  So as it turns out, it was just a "cat burglar"  Ha Ha, I've been waiting to use that joke.

So, for anyone curious...what does grief feel like at 19 months...Well, a lot feels the same as at one month.  Joel is not here and I miss him like crazy.  I still think about him all the time.  His stuff is still in place, I haven't moved anything.  It's as if I live with someone who's never here.  I stumble over his shoes and push his clothes aside in the closet to get to mine, stuff my files into the filing cabinet with all of his old files.  I know that packing up his things will be a big step toward accepting that he's really gone, but I need uninterrupted time to take care of it.  It's going to be an event for me...not a chore of just packing his stuff, but a very loving journey through each and everyone of his possessions, a final time to feel and smell his clothes and look at all the material things that were precious to him in this life.  It will be exceedingly difficult deciding what to keep and what to let go, I just hope I have a little guidance from above as I have had throughout this whole process.  

Some things are different.  I function better, interact with people easier, have some renewed interest in my research, I care if my house is clean and if the plants need watering.  So I guess I'm living life more than I was a few months ago.  It seems like he's been gone for 10 years!  My life is so different without him.  My routine is totally new, I know a bunch of people that I didn't know when Joel was here.  When I encounter something familiar from my life with Joel, it stops me in my tracks and I get this pit in my stomach and feels tears starting, but it never turns into a full blown meltdown.  Just a few moments of intense pain or sadness.  This happens with certain smells, songs, places that we used to go to together etc.  But I have equally as many happy memories of him that make me smile or laugh.  I haven't had time to scrapbook since I started back in the lab and writing the thesis, but I really want to start back up again.  I'm going to tackle a Coast Guard scrapbook and a scrapbook of the kittens and Taz and Fang (go ahead say it..crazy cat lady).

The funniest thing happened...a man I know from my swim team (don't get any ideas, he's happily married and I used to be his wife's personal trainer)  has small children, one of which is 5 years old and is a nut for wild animals.  So he told his son about my "wild swimming cats" and the little boy wanted to see them.  So they stopped by to play with the kittens and at first the kittens were a little shy.  So little Christopher asked me why they were shy with him and I told him it was because I live with the kittens by myself and they are not used to having any other people in the house.  So this little 5 year old looked at me and very emphatically said "you need a husband and some kids!".  His poor dad looked horrified.  I cracked up, I thought it was hysterical.  I asked the little boy if he thought anyone would want to marry a lady with 5 cats and he just blushed and didn't answer.  Yes, me and my five cats are not exactly what you would call a "man magnet".  Joel was probably the only man on earth that would indulge my love for my animals.