This page was last updated 07/12/2004 .

Home

May 2004

5/26/04 - Wednesday

Sneakers surgical site is healing well.  No pathology results yet.  I've had a fairly good few days working in the lab.  My brother is coming this weekend (we got hired to play the same music job Saturday night and Sunday)  John is an outstanding trumpet player.  It will be our first professional gig together.  Cool.  Joel would have loved to see this!  

Thanks for reading this long story.  Writing in this web log is very therapeutic for me.

5/23/04 - Sunday

So much has happened in the last few days.  I had been feeling a little better lately and really feeling peaceful working on the photo collages for my friend Heather.  Then, the rug got pulled out from under my already shaky legs.  I was playing with my precious little cat, Sneakers, on Thursday night and I felt something on his shoulder joint.  I thought he had hurt himself, but he was not limping or showing any symptoms.  So, I took him to the vet Friday morning and Dr. Bellows dropped the bomb...it's a tumor.  A bone tumor wrapped all the way around his upper arm bone.  He kept him over night to do a surgical biopsy.  He called me that night after the surgery was done.  Sneakers did fine, but he took a look at the cells from the biopsy and he said they looked nasty.  In my head I was hearing the voice of the gastroenterologist that told me on Feb 8, 2002 that Joel had an "ugly mass".  It was happening all over again.  I was going to have cancer in my life again, and so soon after Joel.  This set me back emotionally and physically.  I couldn't eat or sleep and I had this feeling of dread and anxiety over what I was about to watch my little kitty go through.  Now, I know he's just a cat, but, Sneakers and Fang were our first anniversary present to each other.  They are a big part of my life with Joel.  I am extremely attached to my cats, they are my babies.  We lost Trixie several years ago and I thought it would kill me.  It took months to recover from that.  Every night when I fall asleep with all three cats snuggled against me, I thank God for the comfort they provide and pray that nothing will happen to them until I'm a little stronger.  

The next day was Nolyn's memorial service.  It was beautiful.  Heather and their families loved the memory boards.  I must say, they were my best work yet!!!  I made it through the service.  It was very sad, but such a perfect tribute.  Calvary Chapel outdid themselves as always.  The vocalist was incredible.  I ran into Pastor Bob who was there doing another memorial service (Joel and I had the opportunity to meet him and pray with him last year and then we kept in touch by phone).  We had a very uplifting talk and he was very encouraged to know I was moving through the grief process in a healthy way, staying close to God and involved in the church.  I'm sure it must be encouraging to him to know that his church takes such good care of those who are hurting.

Then I went to pick up Sneakers.  I was a nervous wreck, waiting to see him and hear the test results to see if  the tumor had spread to other organs.  Dr Bellows had good news on that...these tumors tend to spread to the lungs, but Sneakers' looked clear.  His blood work and other tests were perfect.  Dr Bellows took several tissue samples to send away for diagnosis and he posted the pictures of the tumor on an internet based consulting site for veterinary oncology.  He was encouraging me to wait until we got a diagnosis before making any decisions about treatment options because there are several types of bone tumors that all have different strategies for dealing with them.  Because Sneakers is so healthy and the tumor at this point is not causing any pain or symptoms, Dr Bellows was optimistic that what ever the diagnosis, I'll still have some good quality time with my Sneakers.  Now comes the familiar waiting game.  10 days to get the pathologist report back.

Of course the timing of this event couldn't be worse.  I had just agreed to start into a relatively new project for the lab that required immediate attention.  I had just begun to plan future events like travel, races, etc.  That was something Joel and I avoided during his cancer treatment because we never knew what each day would bring.  But, I managed to pull myself up out of this pit before I slid to far down.  By Sunday night, Sneakers was doing fine and I was feeling better.  

5/19/04 - Wednesday

Spent the day with my friend Heather helping her put together a beautiful memorial service for her husband, Nolyn, just as our friends and family did for me.  We went through photos and I offered to put together photo collages like Tasha and Ellen did for Joel.  Joel's were so beautiful and to this day are still up on my dining table and I find joy in looking at them.  Heather and Nolyn were at Joel's service and Heather commented on how beautiful the boards were, so I wanted to do this for her.  I am so thankful for the gift of knowing how to do this so I can now pass the gift on to someone else.

This photo was taken at Kim and Jaime's wedding exactly one year ago.  We had just found out that Joel was responding well to the new chemo he started in March and he had just come from the Innovation Expo where he won the award.  He met me at the wedding and I surprised him by showing up in a new dress that I picked out just for him and I knew he would love.  The dress was a BIG hit, it became his favorite and I wore it to his Florida memorial service.  We were so happy and full of hope for the future in this picture.

5/16/04 - Sunday

The ice cream pie worked like a charm!  I had my best ever triathlon performance (5th overall female).  I don't have Joel to tell the news to, so I tell all of you.  I felt great during the run and am ready to do the olympic distance, which is a quarter iron man.  That will be this fall. 

Tonight was our griefshare banquet.  The ladies from the ministry at church put together an incredible dinner for us.  I actually ate solid food!  We had a nice time socializing and talking about things other than our grief.   But we talked about that a little too.

5/15/04 - Saturday

Today was sad...two more sweet young souls were called Home way too early in our short-sighted earthly opinion.  I learned of our friend Victoria's passing, who was a patient of Dr Niederman's and diagnosed a few months after Joel.  Her friend told me that Victoria felt Joel was responsible for bringing her closer to God, before she died.  Her and her husband, not much older than Joel and I, became our Friday chemo buddies.  I loved her attitude.  She was very beautiful and would come waltzing in to the chemo room totally dressed up, high heeled strappy sandals, hair done, nails perfect, looking like she was ready for a South Beach night club!  About half way through her treatment, she would disappear into the bathroom for a few minutes while she got sick, then would reappear, not a hair out of place and looking as good as when she came in.  She just kicked butt!  Cancer may have ruined her health, but it was not going to touch her feminine identity!  But, God had other plans and now her husband and golden retrievers are left behind while she and Joel have a party up there!  My prayers are with you Jim.

Then, I got the news that my friend from church lost her husband yesterday.  He also had cancer and Joel and I met them one night when both of us were 'coincidentally'  scheduled to meet with Pastor Bob (from Calvary) at the same time.  Heather and I bonded, as fellow caregivers and wives of cancer patients and have become friends since that time.  She is now, exactly where I was seven and a half months ago and I'll be there for her, just as our friends and family and the other widows from church were there for me.  I'm so blessed to be strong enough to stand with someone else in the same way that so many were strong for me when I needed them.  

Church tonight was awesome.  I spent time with the girls after and really bonded with another lady who's husband also had cancer.  She and I spent a lot of time talking about the unique experiences we had in common.  It felt good to get those nasty memories out!

Sprint triathlon tomorrow, #2 of the season.  Pre race meal:  malt ball ice cream pie, made by my flute friend Kim!  Who needs health food anymore?

5/13/04 - Thursday

Finally feeling recovered from last week.  It took a tremendous physical and emotional toll on me.  So what do I do...sign up for another triathlon this weekend and exhaust myself again. 

 Had a good night, I spent a few hours rehearsing duets with my flutist friend Kim.  Now we need an accompanist and a venue to perform.  

5/10/04 - Monday

Exhausted!  I am so tired, I left swim practice early.  I NEVER leave practice early.  I just could not keep going.  It's back to reality today.  I have to try to switch my brain back to being a grad student trying to finish a thesis.  I would rather just be Joel's wife full time for a while longer.  The transitions are difficult.  Griefshare officially ended last week, but we are continuing with a Monday night meeting in a class called Deep Faith.  My hope is that I'll come out of this stronger as a person, stronger in my Faith,  closer to God and more open to His will and new purpose for my life.

Look how cute Sneakers and Fang are!

5/9/04 - Sunday - Happy Mother's Day!

I hope all the Mom's are getting breakfast in bed today.  Joel always gave me a card and some treats for Mother's Day and he would sign it in scribbly letters from the cats!  How cute he was.  

Met my friend Michelle from Calvary for dinner on Las Olas in Ft Lauderdale.  We had a great time and did some ceramic painting at Joe Picasso's.  It's a combo art studio/coffee shop.  It's very fun.  You can pick out something to paint and get a table and they provide the supplies.  I painted a heart frame for a photo of you know who!  

5/8/04 - Saturday

Flute gig all day.  Hung with my musician friends.  I really feel apart of the music community in S. Florida now.  I know most everyone at these free lance gigs and they are starting to know me by name and invite me to other jobs.  All of this I owe to my flute friends, Ronnie and Jeanne!

5/7/04 - Friday

Exhausted

5/6/04 - Thursday 

Well, today should be renamed Joel Magnussen Day!  We made it back to the convention center for the award presentations.  We gathered outside the auditorium for some socializing and I reconnected with some old friends from the Coast Guard, our friend Rich and my pre-wedding roommate, Andrea.  It was great to see them, but very sad.  We were seated down in the front row and I was happy about that so no one would have to watch me cry if I felt like crying.  The awards in other categories were presented, all for innovation and implementation.  The projects were all very impressive and it was evident that the Coast Guard really appreciated and supported their efforts.  I was doing fine so far.  The last category was Joel's award and to our surprise Joel's parents and I were asked to come up on the stage to participate in the presentations to the winners.  Oh boy, my legs would not work at first, but we managed to make it up there.   Admiral Allen talked about Joel and I can't remember what he said, because at this point, my brain is no longer functioning.  I do remember being very moved by what he said and extremely proud of Joel.  So, the winners were announced, one team for innovation and another for implementation.  They each had some time to tell the audience a little about their projects and they said wonderful things about Joel.  They remembered him winning last year and apparently Joel gave some inspiring remarks after, that I've never seen.  We were still hanging in there until we were presented with another surprise, a framed photo of Joel accepting his award last year, signed by last year's presenters, Admiral Barrett and Admiral Carmichal.  Joel's Mom and I lost it at that point.  Why fight it, right?  At that point, I was ready to run off the stage and go have a nice breakdown, but I was asked if I wanted to say anything and of course my inside voice was screaming No Way!  But I heard my outside voice say, "sure, I think I'm ok".  I don't remember what I said, but I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to say thank you.  So we survived.  It almost felt like the days of Joel's memorial services all over again.  I was so hard for me, but one of my proudest moments.  I kept thinking, "wow, he chose me, I'm so lucky".

Getting back to Ft Lauderdale was much less exciting than the trip up, thankfully.  I was changed into my USCG Joel Magnussen tshirt and ready to race.  On the plane, I struck up a conversation with a little elderly lady next to me.  I asked where she was traveling and she told me that she had lost her husband to cancer in December and was going to spend some time with her daughter.  I told her that I had lost my husband from cancer in October too.  So we had a nice chat the whole trip.  At one point, she held up a gold chain around her neck and said "look, I still wear his wedding ring on this necklace" and I just laughed and held Joel's ring up and said "me too!!".  We had a lot in common to be so far apart in age.  

I made it down to Miami for the corporate run and hooked up with the Coast Guard team.  I was meeting a lot of them for the first time and they made me feel welcome.  The race was tough.  I actually ran this year, thanks to Greg for getting me up close to the front so I could shoot for my goal of 24 minutes.  I did it in 24:22 due to the bridge, which kicked my butt!  After the race I talked with the other team members and found a group of fellow triathletes.  So now I'll have some girls to train with and meet up at races.  They are cool, Coast Guard women, very tough, not afraid to get sweaty.  It's hard to find girlfriends that think the same things are fun that I do.   The Coast Guard men and women's teams both took first place in their divisions!   Woo hoo!  They win their division every year.

Anyway, I was totally physically and emotionally exhausted that night.  I was happy to have had the experiences that I had that day.  The Coast Guard honored Joel in such a beautiful way.  

5/5/04 - Wednesday

Get ready for a crazy story.  This will be a long one.  I missed my flight to go to the Innovation Expo.  The one event I have been focused on for a solid month and have been preparing for all week!  Yep...missed the flight.  I was supposed to travel with Capt Grant (Joel's boss who nominated him for the award last year) to Jacksonville and then we were driving on to Savannah.  We wanted to be there before 4pm to see Admiral Allen's (number 3 in the entire Coast Guard) closing remarks.  That means we had to leave Jacksonville no later than 1:30 to make the 2 hour drive to Savannah and get there in time for me to change clothes and be at the Convention Center before 4pm.  The actual award presentation was not until Thursday morning but I really wanted to make it that afternoon.  So Capt Grant went on to Jacksonville without me and I switched my flight to the very next one out which would only put us about an hour behind. No problem...until I got pulled from the security line for a bag search and even though I explained that I was about to miss my flight for the second time that day, they would not let me through.  This guy unpacked my entire suitcase and went through everything and then just left everything in a pile for me to repack.  I ran to the gate, and the boarding doors had just closed.  Yep, missed that one too.  Now, the psychologists are having a field day.  I'm sure they would think that on some subconscious level, I missed the flights on purpose because I did not want to go to the award presentation because of the pain it would dredge up.  I don't know about that, I think it was just bad traffic, bad timing and bad luck!  Back to the ticket counter only to find that there was no other way to get to Jacksonville (or Savannah) before that night.  My last option was to fly to Orlando, rent a car and drive to Jacksonville and meet up with Capt Grant there.   It would be really close, but by my calculations, I thought I could do it.  I let Capt Grant know the plan, he did not sound optimistic.  So I finally made the flight to Orlando, ran to the rental car place, sped off to Jacksonville.  Now, I'm not sure how long it should take to drive from south of Orlando to the north of Jacksonville where the airport is, but it's pretty far.  Mom and Dad...don't read this part.  I made it in 21/2 hours.  That put me in Jacksonville at 1:30, just barely under the gun!  Capt Grant was surprised I made it.  By this time I was having visions of red phones ringing throughout the entire Coast Guard with people passing along the message "she missed the flight, she's not going to make it to the Innovation Expo".  Not that I'm that important, but a lot of people went to a lot of effort to make sure I would get there.  It was very embarrassing.  When we finally got on the road, I could almost relax.  I pictured more red phones ringing, "She's in the car, we're on the way".  We arrived at the Convention Center at 3:30 and had enough time for me to change clothes and compose myself.  More red phones, "She's on the property".  From the time I walked in to the Expo, I was treated so well by everyone involved.  I had a chance to talk with Admiral Allen.  He was the VIP that visited Joel about a week before he died, I guess I can say that now.  Joel worked for him when he was the commander of the 7th district and they developed a great relationship.  It was such an honor that he would come down from DC to present the first Joel Magnussen Award for Innovation.  

I finally met up with Joel's parents.  They were supposed to arrive that morning, but get this...their plane blew an engine just after take off and they had to turn around and land on ONE ENGINE!  So they arrived in Savannah about the same time I did!  But, we made it for the close of the Expo (the whole Expo was dedicated in Joel's memory and there were posters everywhere with the photo of Joel winning the award last year.

More later...it will be another long one!

5/4/04 - Tuesday

Went down to Miami to pick up the race shirts.  I walked in to Miami Silk Screen and the two very nice people who worked on them for the Coast Guard and for me were waiting.  They were anxious to show me because they turned out so nice!  When she showed me the back of the shirt which has the Coast Guard D7 logo and "in memory of Joel Magnussen", of course I got a little emotional.  It was hard to see his name like that, but very wonderful at the same time.  

5/3/04 - Monday

Griefshare tonight was good.  I told them the story of the command center dedication and I think everybody was teary.  Other than that, there was a good amount of laughter, mostly at the crazy things we all do because our brains are still busy grieving.  I'm really gearing up to go to Savannah Wednesday for the Innovation Expo and the presentation of the first Joel Magnussen Award for Innovation.  What do I wear?   What do I do for shoes?  I only have running shoes and clogs!   I know, crazy...how can I worry about clothes at a time like this.  

5/2/04 - Sunday

Ok, I survived the triathlon without my teammate.  I missed him a lot, but I did it.  Of course the conditions were brutal...high winds, huge waves and rip currents.  Some people bailed out of the swim and got help from the lifeguards.  I only swallowed a liter or two of salt water.  The wind made the bike very tough, except for the back side of the Key Biscayne bridge.  Mom and Dad....do not read this next part...About half way down the bridge I was just coasting and trying to be aerodynamic like Lance descending the Alps, I glanced at my computer and I was going 38 MPH!!!  At what point did I forget that I was a big Chicken!  Then I started freaking myself out because I was watching my skinny, slick racing tires and they were spinning so fast and making a sound I've never heard before.  But it was too late, I just held on for dear life and tried to keep the bike under control till the bottom.  I was so glad to get to level ground.  After the race I heard the other people talking about what a thrill it was.  I'm not sure that would be the best description.  Anyway, the run was tough but I was 2nd in my age group and 11th female over all.  I ran into our friend, Dani, the charge nurse from the Cleveland Clinic.  She was responsible for the fun and games at Joel's birthday party last year (Dec 2002, that is).  It was her first triathlon and she won her division.  I told her that was very annoying to the rest of us that have to claw and scratch our way to the top!  

After the race I hung out with my friend from my fitness past.  She is a pilates master trainer and instructor and she stretched me out after all that abuse.  We had a great visit...catching up on old friends, pilates, salads blowing away in the wind, visiting the horses, sharing the scrapbook and some laughter and tears.

I just re-read Joel's entries from May 2002 and May 2003.  If anyone has time, go and read those months...there's some good stuff in there.  

5/1/04 - Saturday

7 months ago today...I can't believe I'm on the down hill slide to a year.  I dread it and am anxious for it at the same time.  I thought today about how I'm progressing at the 7 month mark.  I notice that I don't cry as much.  It takes a very strong emotional trigger to cause the tears to flow as they did on Wednesday.  Of course I could cry at any moment if I were to succumb to it, but I can control it now.  I've lost some weight since Joel died...unfortunately it's mostly in my feet.  I'm down a whole shoe size, seriously!  God has a sick sense of humor.  I find comfort in trivial things - I saw this pink stuffed kitten in the mall and I bought her to go with my two Angel Bears that sleep on Joel's side of the bed.  Sneakers is in love with the pink kitten, he grooms her and then curls up and goes to sleep on her.  I will get a picture of that!  Speaking of my cats, one of them left me a 'present' in the middle of the office floor...a dead lizard!  They probably gave it a heart attack playing with it.  I was able to put away Joel's toothbrush and toothpaste.   It's very strange to reach for my toothbrush and after so many years of seeing two,  just see one.  I can pray normally again.  For months after Joel died, the  only praying I could manage was to walk around muttering under my breath, "God help me, God help me, God help me".  

Tomorrow is my first triathlon without Joel.  It will be sad.  It was sad putting my bike in the car tonight and getting all my gear together.  It just doesn't seem to have the same excitement it used to when he was with me.  But I'll do it because someday I know I'll enjoy it again...someday.