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March 2004

3/30/04 - Tuesday

Last May, Joel and I walked the Miami Corp 5K race with the Coast Guard team for support and some people may remember that the story was written up in the Miami Herald.   Last year's CG team race coordinators called me and told me they would like to dedicate their race this year to Joel and they invited me to join the team (thanks Greg and Mel!).    They are having CG team t-shirts printed that will say "in memory of Joel".  The race is in Miami, May 6, in the evening.  I plan on running with the Coast Guard group and anyone else who wants to join in is invited.  Just send me an email if you want to run or if you want a t-shirt.  I'm ordering some extra shirts.   The deadline to enter is April 18.  

3/29/04 - Monday

My brother John was here for the weekend to help me with various business and computer details.  We had a great visit, very productive but sometimes very sad because we both missed Joel the whole time.  

We're celebrating the arrival of Jackson Dean (new nephew on Joel's side of the family).  Baby and Mom are doing great.  He's another J.D. (just like Joel).

I'm missing Greifshare tonight because I have a music job (aka 'gig').

3/23/04 - Tuesday

Busy lab day today and then scrapbooking with the girls until midnight.  My brother John, will be here later this week to help me out with a few computer issues.  It will be good to spend some time with him!

3/22/04 - Monday

Tough griefshare tonight.  The video was specifically on loss of a spouse and the loneliness and loss of identity that goes with it.  It was very difficult to watch.  There was a short section on remarriage and that pretty much made us all want to vomit! (sorry)  I just tuned out at that point and wrote in my journal.   In our small group, it just so happened that we had all had a rough week.  Unlike last week where everyone was pretty together, this week had been hard for everyone.  I have come to realize that I am moving on with my life at a good pace, but that the process of moving on from/ saying goodbye to Joel is going to be a problem for me.  I have not made any significant progress, nor do I want to.   

3/21/04 - Sunday

Everyone in our neighborhood got notices that the association would be inspecting our driveways next month.  We have those black asphalt driveways that get faded and cracked over time and have to be resurfaced periodically.  So, I went out and looked at our driveway (which I never do) and sure enough it looked awful.  Joel always handled this chore because it was messy and you have to put this thick black stuff down with a roller on a hot day so it will 'cure'.  Anyway, he'd come in after and say "Hey honey, come check out the driveway"  So I would humor him and go peek out the front door and give him a quick "looks great honey, thanks".  But honestly, I really didn't care about the driveway and it pretty much looked the same to me.   I have been dreading this chore because I didn't know what kind of stuff to buy and how to put it down etc... But I sucked it up and went to Home Depot and got the stuff, and came home and put on Joel's big leather work gloves and tackled it myself.  I now have the BEST looking driveway in the entire neighborhood.  I never knew a driveway could be so beautiful.  It's nice and dark and even and a little glossy and I filled in all the cracks so it's very smooth and even.  Now I understand why Joel wanted me to look at the driveway.  If he could see me from Heaven, he would have been laughing his butt off!

3/19/04 - Friday

Tough day...I ordered Joel's military marker for the foot of his grave.  (I'm having a dual headstone for the two of us, but I haven't quite been able to tackle that yet)  It required filling out some forms and actually writing out the inscription that I want to have.  This task took me back to day one.  I was pretty much a wreck for the rest of the day.  I'm going to pull a Joel now....THIS SUCKS!  I am miserable without Joel.  I don't want to go to the lab every day, I don't care about the sharks or their DNA, I don't care if I ever get a PhD, I don't want to order headstones, I don't care if my finances are in order, I don't care if I do anything meaningful with my life, I don't want to take care of our house by myself, I don't want to do anything.  There is only one thing I know with certainty and that is that I want my husband back.  Sorry, just needed to vent.  Sometimes this journal is the only 'person' I have to vent to.  

3/17/04 - Wednesday

Taking a break from writing today to go in to the lab and catch up on my lab work, which is never ending.  But that's ok because as I was writing this paper, for the first time I could actually see myself writing and finishing the actual thesis.  It was a big step for me, because the end always seemed just beyond my sight.  I must be seeing life with new focus and clarity...the whole world looks different since Joel died.  Every day when I first walk outside I look up (to see if I can get a glimpse of what Joel is up to) and the clouds and trees just look brighter, sharper and more clear.  It must be these new "glasses" I view the world with now...but come to think of it, I just got my contact lens prescription updated... so I actually am seeing more clearly, literally.  Oh well, so much for new focus and clarity.

3/16/04 - Tuesday

Last night was griefshare #4 and it was ok.  The topic was again, emotions of grief.  The video talked about ways to avoid bitterness and resentment, self pity, regret, depression etc.  Most everyone in our small group had had a good week and when it came my time to talk, I mentioned the difficulty I was having writing and working in the lab and that led to the whole shark DNA story.  

Tonight is my real therapy...scrapbooking.  I am becoming friends with the ladies from Tuesday's midnight crop.  These ladies are an integral part of my support and they don't even know it.  I'm getting closer to the point where I want to tell them about Joel...soon.

3/15/04 - Monday

I am not at all qualified to give advice to others who are grieving...but, one thing I can recommend with certainty... avoid attempting to write up your master's research for submission to a scientific journal when you've lost your spouse 5 months before!  Avoid this exercise in frustration at all costs!  I've been working on this for weeks, and I only have the introduction done!!!  I think 90% of my brain is still taken up with Joel, so that leaves me 10% left to function.  And we all know humans only use something like 1% of their brain power anyway, so I'm basically writing this on nothing at all!  And, it seriously interferes with my grieving.  I have been so consumed with this paper that I have not had any time or energy to deal with my loss and the feelings I have.  It will catch up with me eventually, but for now, I have to deal with this paper.  Once it's finally done, I'll take some time to fall apart.  

3/13/04 - Saturday

Went for 6 mile run this morning.  A pack of inline speed skaters passed me and I felt like I had seen a ghost!  Anyone of those guys could have been Joel.  They all have the same physique, and with the helmet and glasses you can't see their faces.  I half expected Joel to peel off the pack and skate up to me and say "Hey babe, how's your run?"  Then he would give me a quick kiss and say "let me go catch up with the pack, I'll see you back at the house".   I spent the last half of my run crying, I think I needed it.

Excellent church tonight.  Spent time with my new girlfriends from church after the service.

3/9/04 - Tuesday

I had 'scrapper's block' tonight.  (That's like writer's block, but with scrapbooking).  I did two beautiful pages of favorite couple pictures during the dating years (I had very big hair back in the 80s!) and then I just couldn't decide what to work on next and I couldn't come up with any creative background ideas.  It was probably because one of the girls who works in the shop for the Tuesday night crop finally put it all together that I had lost my husband.  She asked me about it and we got into a long conversation and I got a little emotional and lost my focus for scrapping.  She had lost her Mom to brain cancer at a young age, so we had something in common in a way.  She thinks maybe one or two of the other ladies have figured it out as well.  It's probably the combination of my scrapbook, Joel's ring on my necklace and the fact that I never get any calls from him on my cell phone during the session.  All the other ladies get calls from their husbands several times during the course of the night (we're there from 4pm to midnight).  I'm getting to know everyone, so I'm going to eventually have to tell them the story.  One day, someone's going to ask if my husband likes my book, and I'll have to say that he'll never get to see it.

3/8/04 - Monday

Griefshare #3 tonight.  Watched a video on the emotions surrounding grief, then broke into our groups.  I'm not sure how I like this whole "group" thing.  My expectations were that it would be a place to share experiences, feelings, emotions etc that are 'loss of spouse specific' with others in the same situation.  So far, our group has been so large, that we just go around one time and give an update on how we did that week.  I'm not sure how that is supposed to help.  I want to get into the deep emotions of grieving and how what we have been through has changed and influenced us as human beings.  We'll see, it's still early in the course.  

3/7/04 - Sunday

Ok, I fixed it...I think.  Joel is laughing at me because of the silly beginner web master mistake I just made.  The last time I modified the home page to archive January, I hyperlinked the archived pages and the current page to the files stored on my computer instead of files uploaded to the web host.  So I was getting all the pages, but no one else was.  He never showed me how to manage this site before he died so I'm learning as I go here.   Thanks to my brilliant brother, he was able to diagnose the problem over the phone and explain what I did wrong.   I think I've fixed all the links but if anyone has trouble getting any of the other pages, just email me.

3/1/04 - Monday

Five months ago today...

Today is also the two year anniversary of Joel's first chemo session.  It seems like ages ago, but the memory is as vivid as if it were last week.  I remember the video Don (first chemo nurse) gave us to watch, I remember that Joel really did not feel anything.  We had to be there early so we skipped breakfast and I went to the hospital cafeteria and got him scrambled eggs and a bagel which he ate during premeds (after about 2 months of chemo he could no longer eat during chemo) and during chemo he had a full lunch (after about 6 months of chemo he would get sick several times during the session) .  We were finished around 5pm and we went to Home Depot to buy some patio furniture.  Then we went to rent a movie and pick up a pizza (a year into chemo he could not even make it home with out having me stop the car so he could get sick and then he would get home and go right to bed for two days).   

Griefshare #2 tonight focused on the seasons of grief.  One perspective that was interesting was that there are only 3 things that we know about grief over a lost loved one. 1.  You can't go back.  2.  you can't stay in grief forever.  and 3.  You can go forward.  

Another point in the video was that the act of "enshrinement" may be a symptom of trying to live in the past or being in denial.  Now I will be the first to admit that I have totally done the "enshrinement" thing.  Just ask Brad...he helped me hang some of the many pictures of Joel that I have plastered all over the house (and I even have some of the same photos up in two different places just because I like them so much).  I have the display boards that Tasha and Ellen made for Joel's service up on my dining table where I don't eat.  I have my scrap book, the videos, the journal etc.... I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with me.  However, these memorials are not my way of going back or living in the past.  They are my way of celebrating Joel and our life and love together.  They make me happy.  I like it that I can see his face from every place in the house.  I love my scrapbook.  I am not a "crafty" person.  I am a science-type but my scrapbook is a master piece.  I'm convinced it's divinely inspired.  I have not taken the first class on scrap booking but the pages just make themselves.  I don't know where it comes from.  I know this is healthy for me because despite being broken hearted, physically hurting and mentally in agony, my spirit is maturing.  If my grief were unhealthy my spirit would be stagnant or deteriorating.  What I shared with the small group tonight was that after about 4 months of feeling spiritually lost, I heard something on our local Christian radio station that was like a light bulb for me.  The program was a teaching on why God allows suffering and bad things to happen to good people.  This particular teacher ended the message by saying that when we have to endure something really awful such as the loss of a spouse, instead of shaking a fist at God and thinking "why is this awful thing happening to me?", we might instead be asking "why would you, God, trust such a  profound and important experience to me?"   And it kind of hit me that it was true.  Why would God choose me to experience the loss of my spouse?  He could have just let me live out my better than average life with no major out of the ordinary events.  But he didn't.  He trusted me with losing Joel.  That's HUGE.   He knows something about me that I don't.  After that day, I noticed that prayer came easier, church became fascinating and relevant again, and scripture went from "nice to know" to "crucial for survival".  When I shared this with the group...I expected light bulbs to go on for everyone else, but I just got a lot of blank stares.  I'm not sure they understood or maybe I did not express it well.  Hopefully someone else will get it.