6/29/04 - Tuesday

The house is so quiet without Sneakers.  Fang and Taz are sticking pretty close to me, especially Fang.  Fang misses Sneakers too and senses my grief and I can tell he's trying to comfort me.  He sleeps with his head on my pillow and his paws around my neck, just like he's trying to hug me.  It's soooo cute.  Taz sleeps next to me on my other side with his head on my hip.  I can't move all night.  They are such great companions.  Whoever says animals don't have souls is CRAZY.   

I'm pretty much back in my routine.  I couldn't let myself feel the full force of losing Sneakers, because it was just too painful too soon.  I had to push myself through that process pretty quick.  I'll never forget him.  He and Fang were our first pets and he's part of my life with Joel.  He's in several of our photo Christmas cards.  I needed to feel the full force of the pain and grief with Joel, but with Sneakers, I was just too tired of pain to go through it again.  I just wanted to get through it as quickly as possible.  Some may think I'm crazy to compare losing a cat with losing a spouse, but tremendous loss is tremendous loss and true love is true love.  And everyone knows Joel was only one notch above the cats on the totem pole around here anyway! Ha  

I'm in the lab everyday and racing (triathlons) every few weekends.  Still hanging with the girls at church every Saturday night.  Last Saturday, one of the girls drove her husband's 'toy' to church.  It's a monster truck with the most awesome multicolored iridescent, glittery paint job.  All of us young widows (I hate that word) piled in after church and went four wheeling around the church property.  People were giving us nasty looks until they saw it was a bunch of girls inside.   Ever try to get in a monster truck with high heels?  That was the funniest part!  Having female friends (besides my sister) is such a new thing for me.  But I'm finally really enjoying their company.

6/20/04 - Sunday Happy Father's Day

I took a long bike ride this morning and then drove up to Melbourne to surprise my Dad and take him and my mom out for dinner on Father's Day.  It was a short visit, but very good to see them and I truly surprised them.  I hope all the Dad's are having a wonderful day!  Joel would have been an awesome Dad.

6/16/04 - Wednesday

Well, I just lost another loved one way too early to cancer.   Sneakers died Monday night around 8:20 pm.  My heart is broken again and I was immediately thrust back into the same intense physical pain of loss that I felt after losing Joel.  I know the intensity is partially because I'm still grieving over Joel, but I was really attached to Sneakers, he's been with me for almost 12 years and he's been such a huge comfort for me after Joel died.  We got Sneakers and Fang when they were 8 weeks old.  They were our first anniversary present to each other.  Sorry for the silence, it's been a difficult two weeks and I just have not felt up to talking.  

Taz and Fang are fine.  They appreciate your prayers, but do not feel up to taking phone calls at this time as they are too upset over the loss of their brother.  Coming up with memorials for Sneakers is more difficult than for Joel, but we've decided that we'll be remembering Sneakers with the annual "Sneakers Magnussen Back Yard Lizard Hunt" and later today we'll be performing the "Missing Food Bowl Formation".   

I just hope he went straight to join Joel and Trixie and Joel's dog Pepper.

Sneakers Magnussen - August 15, 1992 - June 14, 2004

6/1/04 - Tuesday

Eight months ago today...I can hardly believe it's been this long without Joel.  It seems like he was just with me yesterday, doing our normal everyday things.  This was a sad day also because the pathology report confirmed that Sneakers does have a type of bone tumor called an osteosarcoma.  It can only be cured if it can be completely removed before it spreads to the organs (where have I heard that before?).  Our vet is consulting with other specialists to get opinions on how to proceed.  I'll be getting a fax today with more information from our vet.

Before this discovery with Sneakers, I was doing a little better.  I still miss Joel and love him with the same intensity, but I can tolerate it better.  I'm able to focus and handle more complicated tasks these days, but still lack the passion for anything other than grieving full time.  I am starting to enjoy several new female friendships, something that was very difficult for me at first.  Joel was the only friend I wanted for such a long time.  It takes a lot to make me cry these days.  I could hardly cry over the news with Sneakers.  I just think my tear ducts are all dried up, because sometimes I'll be crying on the inside, but nothing comes out on the outside.  I have not touched his things, they are all right where he left them.  Going through his stuff will be a task that I will know instinctively when I'm ready to do it and I will need a lot of free time so I can go slowly and experience all the memories and feelings that it will bring.  Maybe sometime after I defend my master's thesis.  I still wear Joel's wedding ring on my necklace, I wear my ring on my left hand, I still feel married and loyal to Joel.

 

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