6/28 - Friday
My June Journal is now complete - hectic weekend ahead. I'll see you in July. I'm getting ready to start my Comeback Journal...coming off chemo, getting back on the workout trail for a tough possible surgery in the July/August timeframe...I'll keep you posted.

God bless each of you - your strength to me is amazing.

p.s. Read Jen's Journal...she's added a few thoughts lately.

6/27 - Thursday
Today at 10:15 I started my last chemo treatment (#12). by 5:00, I was done. I got sick during the first two minutes - then took some good drugs that all but knocked me out. I woke up for the 5-FU injection to take ice to slow mouth blood circulation that helps restrict 5-FU to my mouth thus cutting down metal mouth. After that - I was out again until it was over. Jen was right by my side through every step, keeping me comforted, removing my vomit pans, and caring to every sordid detail. She's more than amazing.

Thanks for your help in getting through this.

Amidst all that in the room were people who appreciate each day more than ever before and are fighting to see another sunrise. They're just like everyone else out there, fighting rush hour, paying bills, keeping up. In that room - I'm one of them. I have no idea how big or strong their support network is...but mine is huge, and strong and powerful...and I feel it every time I'm in that room...and every day in between. You, God, your prayers, and this cancer have changed everything. As far as I'm concerned - for the better. God's given me some stories to tell. No miracles, no crazy stuff...just deep life issues made crystal clear.

After this round of chemo is a two-week break...then a CT & PET scan in mid-July...then perhaps surgery to remove the tumors.

Thanks for helping me reach this milestone. You have no idea how much it means to have you on my side.

6/26 - Wednesday
Its 3:00 a.m. and I couldn't sleep. Last Friday's chemo was the worst one yet, with vomiting now becoming a regular part of the deal...the metal mouth worse than ever.

As I write this, I'm just coming out of the nauseas stage back into normalcy, whatever that is now. Only one more week to go. Thanks for your continued support and prayers.

A couple of songs have been playing through my head lately, not exactly sure why. Ever have that happen? They are both by Crysal Lewis. I'm still upbeat and remain strong in resolve, and I thought the words of these songs really helped me get through this. At times they brought tears, at other times the strength to continue. In all, they showed me the intensity with where God has taken me, where I am and where I find my life's walk. God's shown me alot - I've grown more deeply as a person than I would have ever imagined. For that, I'm thankful, as strange as that sounds.

I wanted to share the lyrics that seem to summarize this impact. One is called Healing Oil - slow, deep and foreboding, it talks about how despite the rough times, there is nowhere else I'd rather be, growing more deeply being the reason, the purpose, not just merely an outcome; the other is called Seasons Change, and is a lighter tune that shows me seasons change, and this too shall pass...all for good.

HEALING OIL

Lord, I am tired
I’m loosing sleep
I struggle with breathing
It overwhelms me;

Lord, I am thirsty,
I don’t want to eat
My body is aching for peace;
I want to run again
Or even just walk
Or just see the ocean
One more time;

Lord, I look forward
to sit at your feet,
I know what you’ll do for me
When we meet

(Chorus)

I can feel your healing oil
Running down my brow,
I wouldn’t trade another lifetime
For how I feel right now.
(Repeat)

Lord, I am weary,
I know that you’re near;
Take care of my family
While we’re apart.
And I thank you for giving me,
This life that I’ve had
Now I look for the comfort of your arms
(chorus)

SEASONS CHANGE

Are you going through a dry spell
Yes I've been there before.
Where the trees are slowly withering
where their roots cry out for more.

Where the desert floor is dry and cracked,
no clouds hang in the sky.
No winter rain or spring it seems
No change in sight

(chorus)
But seasons change,
And then they pass;
No way to know
how long they'll last.
I'd love to know the reason why
But God knows,
Seaons change.

Are you going through a dry spell,
I've been there a time or two;
Where life seems to stay
the same for awhile,
You want to change
but don't know how to.
Its the place where you feel empty inside,
Can't put your finger on the need;
I look to God and see what I want to be,
I look at me and see what I am.
(chorus)

Are you going through a dry spell,
I was there awhile ago.
Now I've come to a place
where the rain falls,
where the trees bear fruit and grow.
Where I find a refuge in my God,
Its a place of surrender I know;
I look to God and see what I want to be,
He looks at me and sees His own.
(chorus)

Good night.

6/21 - Friday
Chemo #11.

6/19 - Wednesday
My evening walk made it around the block...things are getting back to normal.

6/18 - Tuesday
Turns out I didn't have a stomach virus last week - it was just the chemo finally catching up with me. Not sure how to medically explain it, so I'll not try to do that. But the chemo drugs at some point just build up enough to cause problems, small ones at first, then larger ones over time.

For example, my feet and hands are now tingling like they are asleep. That is a common side-effect of CPT-11, one of my chemo drugs. Intestinal distress is another one - things just don't slow down enough to get digested, resulting in loss of weight and constant abdominal pain/discomfort. That's what happened last week. I'm better in that category now...heavy doses of Immodium and Atropine.

Another side-effect that caught me was a low hemoglobin count, resulting in anemia. That's where fatigue comes into play. My legs feel like 200 lb. logs, and I begin to sweat when I stand for too long. Going for walks was not possible. I could make it from the bed to the bathroom - on a good day, I'd venture out to the couch.

For the details - my hematocrit started at 14.2 in March and slowly sank to its current level of 10.1. Anemia is considered anything below 11.0. As a result, I'm now on a shot called Procrit once per week. It costs $2,800 each shot! Procrit is made of a naturally occuring hormone that helps my body produce more red blood cells which then carry more hemoglobin, theoretically helping carry more oxygen and reducing fatigue.

So you see the cumulative effects coming into play. That said, I'm doing well. This is a no-chemo week, so the sun shines a bit brighter, the birds sing a little more sweetly than before. No metal mouth is a wonderful thing. Last week was one of those very rare "Just shoot me now and get it over with" kind of weeks - we've all had them. But considering what others have gone through, I feel great. I'm still going to work most days and am now able to go for slow walks. Haven't made it around the block yet, but that's coming soon.

A great friend is going through the premature birth of their son - so my world is tame by comparison. Hang in there guys, legions of angels are by his side right now. You are in my prayers every day. I have no idea how they are juggling so much at one time - hospital visits, kids, work, sleep.

Thanks for your continued prayers and support...the journey continues...

6/14 - Friday
No chemo - week off.

6/11 - Tuesday
Just getting over the worst stomach virus I've ever had. Lost 15 lbs in 3 days. Nothing stayed in me - I'll spare you the details. I've been flat on my back for 3 days. Not sure if the chemo exacerbated an already bad situation, but I'm sure it didn't help.

Took a shower yesterday and it took too much energy, I broke out in a sweat. I'm sure that means something, not sure what. Felt good to lie back down again.

Jen and I went for a walk yesterday....100 yards down the street. It took 15 minutes. I had to stop and catch my breath, but it felt good to get some fresh air - I look like a P.O.W. I'm coming back around slowly but surely. Jen, by my side the entire time, continues to monitor my progress and medications. She's amazing - such endurance. It was hard to see the silver lining during the past 96 hours...I'm sure someone out there has it worse than I. Thanks for your notes and encouragement. I can't begin to describe how weak I am, but knowing others are in the game with me helps.

Beautiful sunrise in Florida today.

6/7 - Friday

Immune-boosting shot.

6/6 - Thursday

Chemo #10.

Silver lining - only this one plus 2 more chemo treatments to go. June marks the end of a four (4) month chemo cycle. CT and PET scans after the Fourth of July will tell what's next.

Thanks for your prayers. I'm hating every second of the dark days of chemo, but the end justifies the means.

The chemo effect has really been building up - making for less and less of a break from week to week. The net effect is increasing nausea, so they put me on an anti-nausea drug actually during the IV chemo treatment to help me get through it. Its called Ativan - here is a brief description (sounds a bit crazy, but it helps):

Lorazepam (Ativan) is an Antianxiety agent (benzodiazepines, mild tranquilizer) used for the relief of anxiety, agitation, irritability, to relieve insomnia, to calm people with mania / schizophrenia, and intravenously as a sedative and nervous tension or prior to surgery to relief the anxiety. Ativan may also be used to help in the prevention of severe alcohol withdraw symptoms (Delirium Tremens, DTs), to treat serial seizures in children by placing it under the tongue, to promote amnesia, or in patients who are undergoing chemotherapy and have severe vomiting.

I continue to read every word of every e-mail and card. Thanks for your amazing support to both Jen and I...it makes all the difference.

6/3-6/5 Monday - Wednesday

At work.

6/1 - Saturday

The lovely day after...ah metal mouth... Still feels like acid rain on my tongue

 

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