7/31/04 - Saturday

Kytyn and I ran a 5K at the Scott County Fairgrounds this morning.  Between the two of us we managed to keep a quick tempo and had a great race!  After the race we walked around the fairgrounds and watch some of the kids in 4H show their animals in competitions.  Ironically, we were retracing Joel's footsteps as a kid when he showed his calf and won 1st place.  It felt good to be able to see that part of his past.  

Good memories of the day:  race with Kytyn, relaxing by Dan and Ellen's incredibly gorgeous pool, crying with Ellen, pina coladas.

7/30/04 - Friday

A good day after all the emotion of the past couple days.  After a morning of pampering at a spa, we stopped by the Mother of all Scrapbook shops and I managed to get Tasha addicted in just one hour.  Then a relaxing evening with Brad and Kytyn and their 3 girls.  Good memories of Amanda's brownies, 'special K bars', pedicures with the girls, sharing my scrapbook with Brad, Kytyn, Dan, Ellen and Tasha.

7/29/04 - Thursday

Went out for a run this morning from Joel's farm towards town and then along the rolling hills by the golf course.  I'm sure he ran this route many times during high school and I felt both close to him and lonely for him.  Later I took some flowers out to the cemetery to spend some quiet time alone and just had a good hard cry.  I didn't think I would need a grave to visit.  I made the decision to have the grave in New Prague mostly for his family and friends.  But as I sat in the grass staring at a bronze marker with Joel's name on it, I realized it is necessary to have someplace to go to grieve, pray, talk to him and just be alone with him.  So I spent about an hour just sitting in the grass writing to Joel in my journal.  Then Tasha rescued me and we took of to a girls night away and a little spa time!  Memories of long conversation over a dinner of chocolate cake and skim milk on the terrace!  Talk about comfort foods!

7/28/04 - Wednesday

Today was yet another beautiful memorial to Joel.  We had a simple graveside service with family and a few close friends.  We were led by Joel's parents' pastor, I was able to speak, to say what I couldn't manage back in October, we had music...a CD by Chris Rice.  It was a song that said just what Joel would have said to us if he could have been there, "teach us to count the days, teach us to make the days count" (thanks Tash!).  We read the 23rd Psalm and all the nieces and nephews released blue and white balloons to the Cartoon Praise song on that same CD.  I think everyone was mesmerized, even the kids, by the way those blue and white balloons floated up in the wind against a clear, light blue sky.  We watched them in silence until they disappeared from our sight.  The ceremony ended with the Untitled Hymn from the same Chris Rice CD...everyone should get that CD, it's great.  Even though it was hard, it was a blessing because it's a rare opportunity to go through something like this 10 months later when the fog has cleared and I could really experience each emotion to the fullest.  

7/27/04 - Tuesday

Flying to Minnesota to bury Joel's remains in the cemetery in his home town, visit with family and friends and attend the 20th high school class reunion.  

7/26/04 - Monday

And I thought losing a spouse was depressing, I'm am going through serious Tour de France withdrawl!

7/25/04 - Sunday - Lance wins 6th Tour de France

The picture on the home page of me, Joel, Dan, Brad, and Joe was taken a year ago today.  They came to the rescue last year when we learned the latest chemo had stopped working and heard Dr Niederman mention stopping treatment for the first time.  Those guys and my brother just dropped everything and showed up right when we needed support and encouragement.  As sick as Joel was, he was so glad to have that time with the guys.  I'm grateful to them because if they had not shown up when they did, I might have just lost it.  

Crazy triathlon experience this morning.  I had a great swim and was out on my bike and feeling good despite my ride with the crazy  fast people the day before.  I got halfway up the Key Biscayne bridge over the Biscayne Bay when my chain came off my bike.  All of a sudden I was pedaling like crazy and going nowhere.  I tried shifting gears, but the chain wouldn't catch and the bridge was so steep, I had to make a decision or I was going to start going backwards down the hill.  I pulled off to the shoulder and got off and started trying to fix the chain.  I had no clue how to do this.  It had never happened before.  While I was putting the chain on, another racer ran into me because he was not watching where he was going.  He ran right over me and my bike and fell.  I don't remember feeling it, and we were both ok, so he took off.  I eventually got the chain on as I watched all these people pass me.  What a bummer.  I pulled a Jan Ulrich and put the bike in the biggest gear I could stand and tried to make up the time I lost.  I knew eventually I would have a technical incident during a race, so I hope that's out of the way now.   There were lots of friends down at the race.  A whole group of Coasties, 4 people from my swim team, the couple from the race last weekend and a couple guys from the Saturday fast ride.  They all had their best race of the year.  Another Godincidince was that a new girl came to our swim team.  She's from Mexico and is just here visiting family for a few months.  We swim about the same pace so we've been sharing a lane.  I didn't know a lot about her because there's not a lot of time to talk during a practice.  Her boyfriend is a triathlete and he drove down to do the race with me.  During the drive, he asked me about a picture I have of Joel running that I carry to all my races to inspire me.  So I told him about Joel.  Well, it turns out that his girlfriend lost her 8 year old son to cancer 5 months ago and that's why she's in the states staying with family for a while.  

7/24/04 - Saturday

This is the story of my first bike ride with a big group.  I was persuaded to ride with a big local cycling group this morning.  Bad idea.  First of all I have a race tomorrow and I needed to take it easy today.  Second of all, they were way too fast for me.  They ride 40 miles, first half easy and then they pick up the last 20 miles and drop all the slow people.  I am "the slow people".  They meet right around the corner from our house, so I figured if it got to be too much I could just break off the group and come home.  It was really my first time riding in a big pack.  It was pretty social the first 10 miles or so.  Most of these people are serious road bikers, only a couple triathletes and only 3 other  girls.  They were pretty gracious to me.  I was advised to stay in the middle of the pack, especially when the pace picked up so I wouldn't get dropped.  When the pace picked up, I could stay with them as long as I stayed in the middle.   A few times I looked at my computer and we were going 30 mph...on flat road!  When I ride by myself, I can only go about 21 or 22 mph.  I couldn't hold that pace very long and started to fall off the pace and the next thing I knew someone beside me was pushing me back in to the group.  That happened about 3 or 4 more times and I was about to give up when some one next to me said it was only 1 km to go.  There was only about a third of the original group left, so I was pretty proud to have stayed with them, even though I had help.  If I was a guy they would have dropped me right away, but because I'm a girl, they let me hang on.   But then I heard them talking about how Saturday was the slow ride and they went fast on Sunday.  Oh well.  That ride kicked my butt!  My heart rate was up in the 170s.  Guess I have some training to do before I ride with them again.  

7/22/04 - Thursday

Ran (actually rode) into the couple I met at the race this past weekend while I was out on my bike.  We hooked up together for a ride and then we ran into another couple from my swim team while they were out on their bikes.  So we had a nice little pace line going for our morning ride.  Joel would have been an awesome cyclist...he had the physique for it, but he hated those little racing saddles.  He took my spinning class one time and complained the whole time about the seat!  What a wimp!  

7/18/04 - Sunday

Sprint triathlon this morning.  Very good race for me, I won my age group, finally.  I've been getting 2nd and 3rd in all season, so it was great to be first.  The urge to pick up my cell phone and call Joel from the race yesterday was so strong.  I hope he can see me from Heaven and he knows that I've finally learned to push myself beyond my comfort zone.  The best part of the race was that I met this really nice girl during the bike.  We rode at about the same speed and as we took off on the run, we agreed to talk after the race to try to start riding together during the week.  After the race I met her and her husband and they live about a mile from me, both super nice and get this...she used to be in the Coast Guard in Miami.  She was out on a ship the whole time, so she didn't know Joel, but it was such a coincidence (Pastor Bob calls them GODincidences).  She ended up getting third in our age group.  Our friend Dani (charge nurse from the Cleveland Clinic) was also there and she ended up 3rd in her division too.  We all stayed around for the awards ceremony and then I came home and watched the tour.   I think God sent me a message in the form of a dream this afternoon during my post race nap.  I KNOW for sure that the tumors are gone and Joel is healthy and strong now, as healthy as me and as strong as Lance.

7/17/04 - Saturday

It has been a difficult week for me.  I just can't stop thinking about Joel and what he was going through last year at this time.  He was really starting to have trouble swallowing and I remember being pretty scared by that.  I was desperately trying to come up with shakes and smoothies that he could get down that had enough nutrition in them.  He was also losing his appetite by then, so that made it even more difficult.  One of the last foods he could get down that he liked was watermelon.  He ate a lot of watermelon in July, until one day even that got stuck.  I find myself crying a lot, again, but not tears of despair, they are more tears of tribute and some tears of just missing him.  So, again I find myself looking for the best way to find balance in my life between honoring the feelings of grief  and still being a productive person trying to move forward.  I definitely feel like I'm walking a tight rope, if I lean too much to one side, I'll slip over that edge.  

I went on a long bike ride this morning and had such a funny experience that I wanted to tell Joel about so much.  I'm trying to prepare for the up coming longer triathlons and that includes practicing taking in calories in the form of carb/electrolyte gels while riding.  I've never used them before because most of my training lasts 90 minutes or under.  So  I got some Gu and I stuck it in the back pocket of my shirt and set out on my bike.  When it was time to start taking the Gu, I pulled it out, tried to rip the packet open with my teeth (this is all while trying to maintain about 20 mph on the bike and not fall off or run off the road).  I finally got it open and went to squirt in my mouth, but forgot about the wind and GU went all over my face, down my shirt and all over the bike and not in my mouth.  I was laughing out loud and looking around to see if any other cyclists were around to see me look like a dummy.  I finally got some in without getting it on me and was surprised to see how great it works.  I really did feel fresh for the whole ride.  Anyway, I was so sad that Joel wasn't here to laugh at that story with me.  He would have been so proud of my attempts to become a serious athlete, but we would have both been laughing because it's just that funny.  He would have gotten such a kick out of this whole triathlon thing.  Speaking of which, I have a race tomorrow.  I worked in the lab today and then went to church and then came home to pack up for the race.  Despite being a little down emotionally, I feel great physically and should have a good race. We'll see.  Lance was amazing today.  He is so in control of the Tour, it's not even funny.  He left everybody in his dust on the big mountain except for one guy and then he sprinted past him near the finish to take the stage victory.  I was jumping up and down in front of the TV yelling and screaming!  My friend Heather (husband died of similar cancer to Lance's) got me a yellow Livestrong bracelet.  Everyone in the Tour is wearing them in support of the Lance Armstrong Foundation and I see them on many of the cyclists riding around the area.  He's had some rough times in his personal life, but I still admire him as an athlete and as an advocate for cancer survivors.  

7/12/04 - Monday

Last year at this time Joel and I were addicted to the Tour de France.  He was sick, so I stayed home with him most days and we watched it live every morning and then again at night.  It inspired me to trade in my hybrid for a road bike and start triathlon training.  This year I'm watching it alone.  I'm just as fanatical about it as last year, but I wish Joel was curled up on the sofa with me cheering on US Postal team and Lance.  

I was just reading Joel's journal entries from last July.  It just breaks my heart to think of what he was going through and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.  I just miss him so much.  I've missed scrapbooking the last couple weeks and I'm anxious to get back to it tomorrow.  It's always a celebration of Joel and that's still my favorite thing to do!  I actually had to order a second album to divide up my pages, it was getting too thick and heavy!  So now there is Volume I and II.  

7/9/04 - Friday

I had to go to the Vet to pick up Sneakers remains (I had him cremated) and his carrier.  It was pretty awful, I could hardly speak.  His blanket was still in his carrier and it has his fur all over it.  I brought it home and let the other cats smell his blanket.  A few people have asked me what I was going to do with his remains.  When Trixie died, Joel was with me and I wanted to bury her in our back yard.  He went with me to the craft store to buy an unfinished wood box and some wood to make a cross.  He helped me paint the cross and the box and I stenciled kitties and flowers all over it in pink and white.  Then he dug through the limestone in our back yard to make a hole deep enough.  It took hours and he had to use a pick ax.  This is how much this man loved me.  He went and picked up her body and put her in the box so I wouldn't have to.  He brought her home and helped me bury her.  We planted pink and white flowers over her grave and put the cross in the middle. The whole thing took two days and he never left my side.   He helped me through the grieving process with Trixie by helping me with this elaborate burial.  But without Joel, I know I could never go through all that with Sneakers.  So,  I bought an unpainted ceramic urn that is in the shape of a kitten curled up sleeping.  The kitten has angel wings and is meant to keep a pet's remains inside.  My friend, Jenni, from griefshare lost her dog just before her husband passed away, so we're going to go paint our ceramic urns together.  She bought a puppy shaped one.  That's what I decided to do with Sneakers.  

7/1/04 - Thursday

Nine months ago today...It's still hard to believe I've lived nine months without Joel.  I'm starting to get confused about things that I've done or stuff I've bought since he died whether it was while he was still with me or after he died.  That's how much time has gone by.  If that disturbs me now, imagine how disturbed I'll be years from now when I can't remember stuff like that.  Weird. 

It was exactly a year ago today that Joel came home from work with a fever that kept returning every afternoon.  That was our clue that the tumors were metabolically active again.  He started downhill from that day on.  I can see that clearly now as I reflect on the past, but at the time it was not anything that we were willing to see.  July 4th was one of the last days I remember him eating solid food before the tumor started obstructing his esophagus.  By mid July he couldn't eat, by end of July he couldn't get water down.  Then the stent was put in August 1 and by the time he recovered from the procedure and that next awful chemo on August 15, the stent had already been closed by the tumor growing aggressively.  So I feel like I've just reached the top of this mountain and I know I'm going over the edge, but I'm digging my heels in and trying to slow down and stop, but it's inevitable that I'm going to slide to the bottom where that one year anniversary awaits.  I've purposely scheduled some travel, races, and a few other positive events for the rest of the summer and into the fall to try to counteract all the dark feelings associated with this time.  I'm going to be adopting two Bengal kittens (they are domestic cats, not exotics...I don't believe in exotic wildlife as pets) this fall and I think that will bring new life and joy into the house and into my life during  a time that could easily be overwhelmingly depressing.  This doesn't mean I'm going to try to escape the pain of the upcoming anniversaries, believe me, I will re-live each and every day from now until October 1 at 5:50pm whether I want to or not.  It just means that I'm seeking balance.  I think evil wins when despair consumes a person's soul and that causes their spirit to change sides.  I'm going to be a warrior against that evil and let God's Grace and Peace and Love reign in my life regardless of what emotion I'm experiencing.  A long conversation with my brother, John, and a sermon by Pastor Bob at Calvary Chapel recently helped me come to these conclusions. It will be interesting to see if I can stick to that over the next 3 months as I count down to the one year mark. 

 

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