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Entry
# 1
When Joel decided to start this web site, he asked me to share some of the
feelings and thoughts I (we) have been experiencing since his cancer diagnosis.
It seems once people find out how great Joel is doing and how strong and
positive he is, they ask, "How's Jen?", assuming that at least one of
us must be falling apart. But that really has not been the case. We realized we
were going to need supernatural intervention to be able to get through this, so
the first thing we did was pray. We asked God not only to heal Joel, but to
grant us peace as we moved forward into the unknown world of cancer. I'm not
going to say that there have not been moments of fear, anxiety, depression and
sadness, but they literally have just been moments. During those dark times, we
turned again to God and peace was always restored.
Entry
# 2
I've been trying to figure out what is different about life now that before
cancer. We eat, sleep, laugh, go to work, play, etc...normal stuff. But it feels
different. I had some insight into my feelings last week when we had a visit
from 4 of Joels best friends from Minnesota. We all rented a house at the beach
for the weekend and just hung out in the water, did some snorkling and sat on
the porch talking and hearing funny stories from high school days. It was very
good for him to see his friends and for them as well. It was fun and almost
normal for us, but there is an element that is absent from fun times that we
used to feel. We used to feel carefree and worry free on vacation or days at the
beach. But now, we still have fun and laugh and relax, but there is a feeling
underneath the surface that is worry about cancer, chemo, the side effects,
immune problems, what to eat, what supplements to take, what herbs to try, will
there be a surgery, will he be cured, will the cancer come back? I guess this is
the way of life for families living with cancer or other chronic problems. I
think it's about balancing these two side of this new life. If you let the
'normal' side dominate, you might not be proactive enough about fighting the
disease, or even slip into a kind of denial. On the other hand, if you let
cancer dominate, you become chronically afraid and depressed and unable to
function. I'm sure there is a happy medium in there somewhere that eventually
we'll achieve. For now, it seems like we bounce back and forth between the two.
It does feel like the amplitude of the bounce is getting smaller. I think we're
close to settling in that middle ground that is a healthy place to be.
Entry
# 3 June, 2002
While Joel learns more about his own digestive system, I'm learning more about
myself as well. I've always known I like to keep myself in situations where I
have control. Now I'm finding out how I react in situations where I have
absolutely no control. Guess what? I still try to control it. Joel has severe
side effects from the chemo, ok, he takes the medicine. It doesn't work so we
call the doctor, who gives him stronger medicine and a whole list of things for
me to try (which I follow to the letter). It still doesn't work, I get on the
internet and start looking for alternative solutions. I monitor what he eats,
drinks, how much he sleeps, his temperature, I study his blood tests over and
over every week, I read and re-read his CT scan reports, I read abstracts from
the primary literature on gastric cancer...this all does absolutely no good for
Joel. It only appeases my need to have some control over the situation.
Meanwhile, I could probably teach a course on gastric cancer, recite the results
from all the recent clinical trials, tell you the response rates of all the
first line drugs, design a nutrition and supplement plan specific to the type of
cancer you have and lead a support group in how to manage your chemo side
effects, but I can't stop him from feeling horrible and I can't get rid of the
cancer. That just does't seem right.
I can't even empathize with him because the symptoms he has are things I've
never had. If he had sore muscles, a headache, bloating, cramps, I could be a
much better cheerleader because I would really know what he was going through.
"Did you work out too hard sweetie? When that happens to me, I just do a
nice easy workout in the pool and some gentle stretching and increase my fluid
and protien intake for a few days and that really helps".
"Oh, a headache honey? Just go for a walk or do some inverted yoga postures
and it will go away".
"You're feeling bloated you say? I know how you feel, just restrict your
carb intake, increase your water, take a spinning class and only wear pajamas
and carpenter jeans until it passes".
"What? You have cramps? I know exactly what you're going through. Nothing
really helps, but at least you can use it as an excuse to get out of
stuff".
But "metal mouth"? What is that? How does it feel? Why does it cause
nausea? (I tried chewing on tin foil, and it didnt do a thing.) No energy?
Chronic fatigue? What's that? Energy is one thing I'm never short on. If I feel
tired coming on, I'll go for a short run and I'm good for a few more hours. Down
time for me is a good, high speed power shopping trip. A relaxing vacation for
me includes SCUBA diving with sharks and rock climbing. Why can't I take the
chemo? I have extra everything to spare.
Conclusion: There has to be someone else in control.
My final answer: God
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