This page was last updated 03/02/2004 .

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1/31/04 - Saturday

Great church service tonight!  Such a relevant message from Pastor Bob.  

Had such a surprise phone call from my first CG academy roommate during swab summer!  She stumble across Joel's web site and slowly put it the story together.  She left the academy just a couple months before I did and we have not been in touch with each other since that time.  She's doing great and is also working on finishing her PhD.  She had to process the whole story of how Joel and I got together and that he died all at once!  It was great talking to you Andie!

1/29/04 - Thursday

Lab day and orchestra rehearsal.  I almost quit this orchestra.  A few weeks ago I was going through a stage where I didn't feel like playing the flute any more.  Joel was the music in my life in so many ways.  He would hear a song that intrigued him on the radio, in a movie or on TV and would go out and buy the CD.  He brought so much diversity to my musical world.  If not for him, I would probably only listen to flute music. He was my biggest fan and so encouraging and supportive of my music career/hobby.  I played the first few concerts and without him in the audience and it just seemed pointless.  I decided that I might regret leaving the orchestra because if I did, there are many flutists around here that would be happy to take my place.  So I am sticking with it.

1/28/04 - Wednesday

Lunch meeting with Captain Grant (Joel's boss).  He set up this time for he and I to work on the details of a project our lab is working on with the Coast Guard involving fisheries.  We were joined by the director of communications of the Pew Institute for Ocean Science (a major supporter of our lab's research).  We had great conversations about shark DNA and probably bored Capt. Grant to tears, but he was gracious as always.

1/27/04 - Tuesday 

Back in the lab.  The other students who work in the lab have been really supportive.  They don't blink an eye when I ramble on about how horrible I feel or how much I miss Joel.  They just listen.  My advisor has been extremely patient with me and my absences and reduced schedule in the lab.  He puts no pressure on me at all.  My research projects are going so well, but they are proceeding at a snail's pace.  I'm able to tolerate working in the lab a little more with each passing week.  Every day still brings tears and grieving and a few hours of personal business but I can just see the light at the end of the tunnel as far as the business goes.  It will probably be another 6 months before everything is set up and working correctly as far my so called 'personal reconstruction'.   

1/24/04 - Saturday

Visited with Tasha and her parents over the weekend.  I met some of their friends from Captiva and they were all wonderfully kind.  They all knew about Joel, and just let me ramble on about him.  It was a good couple of days spent with friends.  Even though Tasha and I missed the green flash (a rare and coveted phenomenon seen at sunset just as the sun sinks below the horizon) because we were so busy talking!  Joel threw us a few bones from heaven to make up for it...a perfectly round, solid rainbow, an osprey perched above the chapel by the sea during Sunday morning service, a pod of dolphin swimming along the shore, an incredibly beautiful sky and more.  These used to be ordinary sights to me, but I look through different glasses now.  Thank you JOEL!

1/21/04 - Wednesday

Had a visit from our friend Vivian who moved away but was back in town on business.  We laughed and cried and looked at pictures.  Her parents met Joel at her wedding in Italy and just adored him!  They sent me treats from Italy (she picks and cures her own olives) in order to 'fatten' me up.

Met with the Chaplain from the Coast Guard today.  He was part of our support team during Joel's illness and since Joel died, he has acted as sort of a grief counselor.  It is crucial for my mental health to keep emotions moving and not bottling up.  I don't start the grief course at church until next month, so talking with the Chaplain has been so helpful.

1/20/04 - Tuesday

My parents were here for the day for my Mom's surgical consult at the Cleveland Clinic.  She needs a hip replacement but it turns out that she's not a candidate for the surgery because of some other medical conditions she has.  She was happy that she does not have to have surgery, but it's going to take some modifications to their home and lifestyle to accommodate her bad leg. 

The orthopedic section of the clinic is adjacent to oncology, so of course I experienced major flashbacks to chemo days.  I got the chance to visit briefly with our team from oncology.  It was good seeing them, but it was very difficult being back in the clinic without Joel.  It wasn't that long ago that he and I were sitting there together talking and holding hands while we waited to start chemo.  I can't believe he's gone.

Also had a nice visit with Joel's brother in law's parents.  They were in town after being on a missions cruise for the week.  In stead of doing the typical touristy things during the port stops, they go with a group to visit orphanages, local churches, elderly care homes and either spend time with the people sharing the Gospel, entertaining the kids or doing projects to help out.  I feel very self absorbed!  Any way, they came over for dinner and lucky for them it's stone crab and lobster season here.  So, we ate way too much and had great conversation!

1/18/04 - Sunday

I'm finally back into the Bible.  I read a little bit first thing in the morning (while feeding my high maintenance cats).  I felt removed from it after Joel died and just did not want to read or pray.  I think I'm slowly coming back to some sort of relationship with God, but without Joel as the spiritual head of the family, it will be different.

Visited with Brad from New Prague today.  He was in town for business and saved some time for me.  He helped me work on a few small projects around the house and just was a great listener.  We shared some very special memories of Joel.  Thanks Brad!  

1/16/04 - Friday

This week has been so busy.  January has brought more tasks to complete in what I call my "personal reconstruction".  Just as I cross one thing off my list, two more things get added on.  The lab is demanding more attention again (if I ever want to finish, that is, no one is putting pressure on me to do anything).  I've had a lot of flute gigs over the last couple weeks so all that stuff together keeps me away from the house all day and not home until late at night.   No time for my scrapbook or videos of Joel and I'm too exhausted at night when I go to bed to read his letters like I usually do.  Apparently I'm not ready for this yet, because I've been waking up in the middle of the night crying.  When the heart and soul needs to grieve, it will find a way.  And if that means during sleep, then it will happen while asleep.  I'm still in the phase where I need to schedule time out of everyday to grieve and cherish my memories.   

1/11/04 - Sunday

I have sad news once again from the Magnussen family.  We lost Joel's grandmother today.  She lived a long life on earth and is now with her husband, son, and Joel, in Heaven.  Maybe that morning that she passed into heaven there was enough of an opening for Joel to be with me for a little while.  I dreamed that morning that he was holding me while I was crying.  In the dream, he was comforting me because I knew he was going to die.  It was so real, I could feel his arms wrapped around me just exactly as he did so many times in life.  I must have cried so much that night, my pillow case was soaked.  It took me a long time to get out of bed and I barely made it to an orchestra gig on time.  

1/8 and 1/9 - Thursday and Friday

Traveled to Titusville, Florida to help my advisor give a presentation on our lab's shark DNA testing to NOAA law enforcement agents.  It went great, but I thought of Joel the entire 2 day meeting because he was responsible for helping us establish the relationship with NOAA.  I missed him so much, he would probably have gone with me to the meeting if he were still here.  He was my biggest supporter in every aspect of my life.

1/5/04 - Monday

Joel has been gone for 3 months, so I'm starting my 4th month alone.  It feels like a year.  I'm finding that I'm missing talking to him so much.  We talked to each other all the time about everything and I miss his input into every aspect of my life.  I'm working on this power point presentation for the lab and anyone who has worked with Joel knows he was the KING of power point.  He really knew how to convey the message of the presentation with awesome slides.  So mine just looks mediocre with out him to help me polish it up.  

I'm pretty busy with my usual stuff, but I'm finding I still lack the enthusiasm I used to have for the things I was involved in.  I can not seem to get excited about playing the flute or doing research in the lab or working out.  I just don't feel the same passion I used to.  It's tempting to just quit everything and be a useless blob.  But I have enough will power to resist the temptation and  keep moving forward with the expectation that life will once again be at least interesting if not joyful.  

On a lighter note, Sneakers has to go on Fosamax (drug used to treat osteoporosis in humans) to help prevent further problems with his teeth.  A common problem in older cats is that they get really painful cavities (feline ondoclastic resorptive lesions).  They can be so painful that a cat under anesthesia will flinch when the tooth is touched.  No one really knows why it happens to some cats but there is a theory that cat foods have too much phosphorus in them and that interferes with proper calcium metabolism.  So, the Fosamax is suppose to help.  Of course, I have to brush his teeth everyday and he really enjoys that!  Actually, I just run a Q-tip along his gum line at the base of his teeth to wipe away tarter so it's not that big a deal.  Yes, I do realize that I am insane.

1/1/04 - Thursday

Wow, New Years Day.  2004.  January 1, three months ago today...

I went for a long bike ride this morning to clear my head after such an emotional night.  I was fine all through the evening with the girls from church until exactly midnight and then I had one of my meltdowns.  It was just too much.  I just realized that this was the first New Year's Eve in 13 years that I did not kiss Joel to welcome in a new year.  I realized that I was facing the first of many years with out him.  I realized that all our dreams and goals we shared for each new year would never happen.  As midnight struck and everyone around me started to clap and cheer, I could feel myself starting to cry.  I felt one of the other girls reach out and grab my hand, and one by one, they all gathered around me and just held my hands and let me cry.  They recognized what was happening to me because they were all in the exact same state of mind last year at this time.  For them, they are farther along in their healing and were able to give comfort this year, rather than be comforted.  I wonder if next New Year's Eve, I'll be helping to comfort someone who has just lost their husband.