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2/1/05 - Tuesday

I've been out of touch lately because I'm sequestered in my office writing my master's thesis.  I can really see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I've cut way back on all my extra activities to really spend my time working on this.  My swim team just about sent out the police last week when I skipped a practice...and I NEVER skip a swim practice.  Anyway, it's going fine, slowly, but surely.  

I don't really count the months since Joel died as much as I used to, it's just not productive, but if anyone cares to know how the grieving process for me stands at the 16 month mark I can give an update.  Of course I miss Joel and love him the same, that never changes.  I'm much more productive, and focused, until I encounter a trigger, then it's difficult to function for a short time.  The trigger coming up now is the 3 year anniversary of his diagnosis and of course there's Valentine's Day.  I know it's a made up holiday to boost the flower, candy, card and jewelry industries' profits, but Joel always made a big deal out of it and I'll be sad to be without him.  

The strongest thing I'm feeling right now is a sense of being stuck in a state of limbo, caught between living in a fantasy land of the past with Joel and moving on.  I don't get the same comfort by re-living the past, but I'm no where near ready to move on....so, that leaves me in a fairly uncomfortable situation at the present.  I know it will change, but who knows when.   I only recently starting "living" in our house again.  Up until recently, I only used one chair that I pulled up in front of the TV where I could see Joel best during the hours I spent after he died watching videos and writing in my journals.  That, and my office chair and the bed were the only things I used in the house.  I usually ate standing up at the kitchen counter.  So, I recently moved some furniture around and now I'm actually sitting on our sofa occasionally, most of the time I sit in the big recliner so I can fit more cats on me.  I'm going to be defending my thesis soon, and that will be a nearly impossible exercise to go through without Joel.  It was, after all, his idea and his professional and personal sacrifices that allowed me to go back to school.  Getting up in front of the department to present the results of a long hard struggle to finish without him in the audience will just about kill me.  I don't know if I'll be able to do it.  I'm not worried about the talk, I've already given it a few times at conferences, It will be the empty chair in the front row that he was supposed to be in, that will likely cause me to fall apart.  So, mixed in with the excitement of finishing the masters is some degree of dread as well.  

Now, for the sunshine in my life...the kittens!  They are thriving, happy, playful, and loving!  They are fully integrated into the whole house, including TAZ and FANG!  First introductions were anticlimactic...Grace escaped from the office and ran head first into Fang, he sniffed her and gave her a big lick on her face and she swatted him right on the nose.  Taz would just run away at first.  I gradually began letting them out in the house as long as I was around to referee and they would run full speed back and forth across the room while Taz and Fang just sat on the side and watched with a slight look of a mixed between surprise and disdain on their faces.  Their heads would follow the kittens back and forth and it looked like they were watching a tennis match.  Very Funny stuff.  Right now, Fang loves to give the kittens baths and Taz likes to tackle them when they bite his tail.  Every once in a while, the big boys get a little mad at having their space invaded, but I think they'll all be great friends.  They have made me laugh and smile more than I have in a long time.  I actually look forward to coming home for the first time in a long time.  Only one problem....no name for Spotty yet.  I'm taking suggestions if anybody has any.

Fang tolerates Spot                                           Spot and Grace helping me work

Spot distracting me with his cuteness.                They sleep on my desk while I work.