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February 2003

2/28 - Friday

No chemo - regular work day at Coast Guard.

2/27 - Thursday

Neupogen shot.

Back to work at Coast Guard.

Blood test (CBC) scheduled in the afternoon to see how my counts are doing - then meeting with my oncologist to go over the results.  We'll likely schedule a PET scan during the week of 3/10.

2/26 - Wednesday

Neupogen shot.

Mom & Dad returned home today - it was good to have them with us - wonderr what they thought of chemo.

My hair held up for most of last year - but its nearly gone now.  One of my recent chemo drugs finally knocked me into full-blown P.O.W. mode.   I'm looking pretty scary these days...:-)

2/25 - Tuesday

Neupogen shot.

2/24 - Monday

Neupogen shot - to boost white blood count.

2/19 - 2/21 - Wed - Fri

Chemo sessions 3 days in a row.  Still hits me like a brick to the head - but I'm getting used to it.  

Chemo sucks - you just take it and move on.

When I feel good, life is grand.  But when I get hit with a tough chemo session - I feel like someone adrift at sea, hoping the search continues.  

Let me explain that analogy a bit...

I used to run search and rescue cases during one of my jobs in the Coast Guard.  Some of our cases were many days long.  We'd be talking with the family each day - updating them on our progress.  Whenn the news is good - that's a great part of the job.  When the news is bad - hearing those tears on the phone from the family is always heart wrenching.  

We'd map out search areas for the ships and aircraft each night - and they would search those areas the next day.   Often many times during the day - the wife or other family member would call hoping for some good news .

Day 1 - we find debris from the sunken boat - "Did you find him yet?"  "He's a good swimmer, keep searching, he'll be out there."  

Day 2 - we locate the life-ring and raft, he's not in it.  The family calls - "The weather's been calm, you're going to search another day, right?"

Day 3 - we learn there was a large fish cooler onboard, but we haven't seen it yet, "he might be hanging onto it - the water is warm, you're going out to search again, right?"

Day 4 - reluctant search, not usually many survivors reach this point, but we search hard anyway.  No luck.  This call is the worst - we're calling off the search.  "No you can't stop - he's still alive, please keep searching, please!"  Many tears fall.

Sometimes there's more searching, usually there's not.  Its often another tragic end to the life of a local fisherman.

But sometimes - that one in a million chance - we do that extra search.  Maybe we learned just a bit more about the weather or ocean currents - and sure enough, there hanging on for dear life is one very dehydrated, but tough-as-nails fisherman, hanging onto some debris, floating adrift at sea.  He fended off the sharks, hunger, thirst, nausea and made it.  HE MADE IT!

The Coast Guard rescues him, the press goes wild, the family meets the helicopter at the dock and everyone shares their tears of joy on television.

Well that's almost where I find myself - unsure if the chemo works, feelings of tumors remaining, seemingly little hope in sight - its sort of like being adrift at sea.   

I need to be that one in a million chance - knowing there'll be that extra day of searching.  I just have to hang on and make it, get the resolve, find the strength, show some guts, square your jaw and grit the teeth - but just make it.   That's all there is to it.

So many thoughts running through my head - "too many people praying for me, too many things to get done for God, too many reasons to live - do not give up."

God's still in control...I trust Him...we'll get through this...just hang on.

2/18 - Tuesday

Mom & Dad came to visit for the week.  Its good to have them with us for a short while.  They plan to go through chemo with me in a few days (brave people!).

2/14 - Friday
(Happy Valentine's Day)
Chemo #30 & iron transfusion (I'm still anemic).

2/12 - Wednesday
One year ago today (2/12/02) I was told I have cancer.

(Does that mean I am a cancer survivor?)

Some things I've learned:
- God's timing is perfect, and He is in conntrol
- my bride Jennifer is the most important pperson on this earth to me
- never discount family or close friends - they know just when to show up big time...and mine did
- my life is far richer for having gone thrrough this
- its o.k. to cry alone, and smile around oothers, as long as you're honest with yourself
- praying for others helps you get better - Oncology doctors and nurses are truly giffted and compassionate people
- everyone throws up from chemo
- e-mail is a lifeline
- cancer doesn't care if you have money or power
- cancer doesn't care what color your skin is
- cancer doesn't care if you're pretty
- cancer doesn't care about your family
> - cancer doesn't care if you loose your jobb
- cancer doesn't care what language you speeak
- cancer doesn't care...it just doesn't carre
- cancer will kill you if you don't fight iit, every minute of every day, with everything you've got
- after 365 sunrises, I'm still asking God to somehow use me each day for something of eternal value.

2/10 - 2/11 Monday - Tuesday
Its been a 'normal' week at Coast Guard work (which is never a dull moment during these times).

Jen's been very busy with flute performances. Both she and her brother are professional musicians in various orchestras (did I mention that already). Thankfully, I wasn't a burden on her this week. Not that I am - but she's always there to help me when a post-chemo nausea wave hits me. Without chemo last Friday - its just nice to know she doesn't have to worry about me so much. We both got back to work - at our own pace, and keeping the important things first - but back to work nonetheless.

That wasn't very eloquent - but you know what I mean. Its good to get on living.

2/6 - Thursday
Visit with oncologist to determine path ahead for chemo regimen. This last one was too hard on my bone marrow, so we had to discuss options.

Decided to stick with existing chemo - line #3 - but with reduced dosage and less frequently (twice per month rather than 3 X per month).

Since no scan has indicated this chemo doesn't work on the tumors, we'll keep riding this horse.

Thanks for your prayers.

2/3 - Monday
Blood test to determine how the transfusion went.

2/2 - Sunday
Feeling good - almost energetic from the fresh blood and its higher oxygen carrying ability.

2/1 - Saturday

We mourned the loss of shuttle Columbia and her courageous crew.

Blood transfusion today. It was a logistical nightmare - I'll spare you the details. It was supposed to take 6-8 hours, it took 16. We started at 9:30 a.m. Saturday morning...the blood was ordered late - then I had an allergic reaction to it, etc.

We finally left the hospital at 2 a.m. Sunday morning.

Some great, lifelong friends were in town for the weekend - so glad to see them, and thanks to their wives and families for letting us share in their company for a few days. Their support to Jen and I was nothing short of amazing during this hectic weekend. Saying thanks is not enough.

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