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12/31/03 - Wednesday

13 years ago today, New Year's Eve, 1990,  Joel asked me to marry him.  Of course my answer was a big huge YES!!!!  (especially when I saw the ring)  No just kidding, I would have said yes ring or no ring, as long as I got the man.  

With the close of December and of 2003, a lot has happened and I have survived many firsts.  Christmas this year was sad and lacked the joy and magic of our usual Christmases together.  I know many people were holding me up in prayer and I'm sure that is why I am still standing.  Tonight I am getting together with the other widows from the grief share group and then going to a concert at church and will ring in 2004 together in God's house.  I'm sure we will share many tears tonight for what we have all lost.  What I feel like doing is going to Key Biscayne to the spot on the beach where Joel proposed and just reliving the past and getting lost in my happy memories, but where I need to be is with people who understand and with God who is the only one that can help me regain a happy existence.  

12/30/03 - Tuesday

Today, a gift from my family arrived.  It's a beautiful wood and glass display case for Joel's folded flag that the Admiral presented to me at Joel's service.  It has a pedestal base and another section for displaying all of Joel's medals and ribbons.  The cats and I had a little ceremony here at the house yesterday.  I played the National Anthem while the cats watched as I carefully and lovingly placed the flag in it's new case and then put it up in the top middle section of the entertainment center (which Joel built).  He put recessed lights in when he built it, so the flag looks beautiful all lit up.  Once I get the medals and ribbons put in, I'll take a picture and put it on the web site so all can see how proud I am of that part of Joel's life.  Thanks Mom, Dad, John and Sandy and Steve, I love your gift and Joel would too.

12/23/03 - Tuesday

Today is Joel's 38th birthday.  I'm missing him so much today and I know his family is too.  I hurt for them as well as for myself.  I woke up this morning and lit all the candles in the house and put on his favorite Christmas music. Usually on his birthday I would make him an omelet in a heart shaped pan and be well into the making of the traditional Reindeer birthday cake.  Since today is Joel's day, I thought I' let him update the journal once again.  I found an entry in his journal that he wrote back on Christmas Eve 1989, while on the Diligence.  They were on patrol over the holidays that year and Joel and I were maintaining our relationship through letters and short weekend visits while I was finishing my last year of college.  I think if he could speak to us from Heaven now, this is what he would say and with that, I'll say Happy Birthday Joel and Merry Christmas to everyone.  I'll be away from the journal until after Christmas.  Thank you for all your prayers to help me get through this time without Joel.  This is my gift to all of you.

24 Dec 1989 - Christmas Eve

     As I think of all the friends that have shaped my life and made my Christmas memories forever lasting, my family foremost, I hope that tonight brings peace and happiness to each and everyone of them.  Thinking of Christ's birth and the beginning of a new life for everyone that chooses to accept this free Gift from God brings a thankfulness to my lips that I can merely whisper - I feel so complete and protected - safely comforted while away from those who mean so much to me - and for eternity.  To my family, my thoughts are of our together Christmases with snow, the farm and more love than I can ever imagine sharing with anyone else.  To Jennifer, I miss you more than you know, and hope to soon share another set of memories as soon as we're together.  As you reflect on Christ's birth tonight, remember that I love you, am grateful for your precious cross (a gift I had given him at Thanksgiving that year) and for accepting me as I am.  To my friends - I miss our fun at home during this time of the year.  I'm a little choked up when I think about our great times in school, and now being separated from all of you.  May God be with all of you tonight.  You're in my prayers - and I want to see you all again in 1990.  Merry Christmas. 

As for myself - thank you over and over God.  I will never cease to live and breathe for you.  You've proven yourself to me time and again.  Your word is always true and I can always depend on your nearness when I need it most.  May my days reflect how highly I regard you and how much I anticipate being with you forever after a wonderful life here on earth.  Please be present in everything I do and may my actions truly please you.  Nothing else matters to me.  As long as I'm in tune with you, all my priorities will be right.  Thanks for reassuring me that you are fun and have a sense of humor.  Your view is always the most interesting and never ceases to spice up my own style.  Merry Christmas God, Merry Christmas.

12/21/03 - Sunday

I've just started remembering my dreams when I wake up in the morning.  Last night I dreamed that I was scuba diving and I was getting low on air so I started for the surface, but forgot to exhale and when I got to the surface there was no opening, like I was under ice or glass and I started to suffocate...thank goodness I woke up, but what a dream.  That's got to mean something deep.  I keep praying and waiting for Joel to appear in my dreams, but no such luck yet.  

I got to spend time with Joel and Nancy Dolbeck and their families today.  It was their second son's christening and I was so happy to be a part of it and I know my Joel would have wanted to be there too.  It's really great talking to Joel and Nancy because they are not afraid to walk in the darkness with me.  Most people stay in the light and just peer into my world periodically, but they can't come in with me because it's just too awful.  But there are a handful who have been affected by the loss of Joel so deeply or the loss of someone in their life that they can come into my world and stay for a while.  Somehow they are able to able to witness my pain in it's most raw form and not be afraid or depressed by it because they understand it is a necessary part of the healing process.  I know it sounds crazy, but that's just the way it is.  

On a lighter note, it's late and I have to brush the cats' teeth and get to bed.  More on Tuesday, Joel's 38th birthday.

12/20/03 - Saturday

Today I had a bunch of errands to run and being the last Saturday before Christmas, you can imagine how awful traffic was and how crowded the stores were, with absolutely no parking spots open.  On days like this, it takes 3 or 4 changes to get through the stop lights around the Sawgrass Mall.  Usually, that would be annoying and cause anxiety, but this year, I noticed that I did not have any of those feelings.  I guess my emotions are all tied up right now and there is no room for any other feelings besides what I'm feeling for Joel.  Or maybe I have learned from Joel's experience with cancer like so many other people have...how to distinguish what's worth spending emotional energy on and what's not.  Watching your husband die from cancer - that's worth spending emotional energy.  Having your parking spot stolen while Christmas shopping - that's not worth spending emotional energy.

Went to dinner at Pat and Wendy's house (from Calvary Chapel).  Got to meet their baby, Jackson, who is my new boyfriend.  He's a little short for me, but he has a cool room!

12/15/03 - Monday

I have survived the first round of Christmas events without Joel by my side.  My friends from the lab kept me laughing Friday night as we celebrated the joys of the season by watching and making fun of really poorly made shark attack movies (and pointing out the biological inaccuracies, of course).  My friends from the athletic club, where I worked as a trainer and instructor for 6 years, made me cry when they gave me a package full of cards, notes and gifts all from club members and staff.  My orchestra performed the holiday concert and Joel was not there to see us do 'Stars and Stripes' as the encore (he would have loved that).  

I think about him constantly except for the few hours a night I sleep.  It's only been 6 weeks, but it feels like he's been gone for so much longer.  I cry myself to sleep every single night.  Sometimes I do not believe that this pain will ever get any better.  I found the rest of the cards and letters he wrote to me during our dating years.  He wrote to me almost every day for the year and a half he was on the Diligence out of Port Canaveral while I finished school in North Carolina.  I can recreate both our lives during that time just by reading the letters we wrote back and forth.  He even sent me cards when he traveled for short business trips after we were married!  He wrote to me like he wrote in this journal...from the very depths of his heart and soul.  Imagine losing that...my pain is justified.  

12/12/03 - Friday

As I move into my first Christmas without Joel, I'm overwhelmed by the strength of the memories and traditions we established over the years.  They have temporarily displaced the memories I have been calling upon up until now to keep Joel close to my heart.  I watch the more recent videos of us decorating the tree or opening gifts on Christmas morning.  

This weekend I'll be going to 3 Christmas parties and playing in our orchestra Christmas concert.  This will be a busy but lonely weekend for me.  Even though I'll be around people the entire time, it will feel as if I am completely by myself.  Here is a beautiful story (thanks Pam!) that gives me comfort.

My First Christmas in Heaven

Author Unknown

12/7/03 - Sunday

I would like to share an excerpt out of a book called Companion through the Darkness - inner dialogues on grief by Stephanie Ericsson (thanks Catherine!).  This excerpt really describes some of what I'm experiencing at this particular stage.

"Few people who have not experienced deep loss can understand the bereaved's  need to suffer.  Suffering is cleansing.  It is necessary.  The isolation is mysteriously your own internal pain barometer.  There is no prescribed time limit, no recommended allotment of angst.

Our grief is intensely private.  There are no words to describe it, because words dwarf the experience.  The things I said to my late husband in the months and even years after his death were between him and me.  Sometimes, telling someone else is helpful, because talking into darkness is tiring.

In the beginning we are concave with the emptiness of our loss.  To the outside world, we still look intact.  We have arms and legs, a torso, a voice, a face.  But this is only an illusion.  Perhaps it is the illusion the world wants to see.  Perhaps it is an illusion we want the world to see of us.  But if one could really see what a body looks like when hit with the meteor of loss, one would see and inverted body.  A black hole.  A reversal of the tangible energy into a whirlpool of pain, folding in on itself.  

At night, we face our beds, and crawl into that empty space, knowing our dreams will waft through us, and us through them.  We ache for one more encounter with the one who is gone, even if it is only in our dreams."

I hope this helps people understand.  

12/6/03 - Saturday

Joel's Dad has written something and asked me to include it in the journal.

I have put off writing this for nearly two months now.   I keep hoping it will be easier to write, but it doesn’t seem to get any better, I hope everyone will understand.   I want to write some general thoughts in this first letter and then plan to write a separate letter about the preschool years and hopefully one on each year of school here in New Prague. 

Joel, I miss talking to you so much.  Today, mother and I returned from visiting Grandma for Thanksgiving and we listened to one of our pastor’s sermons.  He related how honored he was when his son called and asked for his advice.   I thank you for calling and sharing some of your thoughts and then asking for advice, Joel I really miss that.  We often agreed, but even when you disagreed, you thanked me for the advice.   The weeks of August and September went by so fast, the time together was so good.   Just sitting next to you and reading scripture, you enjoyed listening so much.  Even though you didn’t feel like it, you said so many things that helped all of us.   Maybe you don’t remember, but we even got you to listen to some southern gospel music.   Son, you have brought us so much honor and pride, I just do not understand why the Lord choose to have you come home but I must accept it.  Pastor helped me understand a little when he shared I Co. 13 verse 12; “For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.”   I miss you Joel, but I know that someday you will give me a hug again.  Until then, I’ll just have to wait.  

Joel developed an ability to empathize with another, their feelings and their thoughts.   Those that knew him, realized that he took the time to really understand you, a unique quality that many in today’s world do not practice enough, myself included.    As I get older, I am learning that the most valuable thing I have is my time and I need to spend it wisely.  

This entire journey has been hard, emotionally and physically.   Joel shared many good times and difficult times as we usually phoned each other at least once a week, often more and we had several exchange visits to Florida and Joel and Jen here to Minnesota.   Now there are no calls, just memories.   From a man’s view, your child’s death is very empty; empty dreams, empty plans, just nothing to build on anymore.  It’s interesting and very good the support my wife is receiving from friends and relatives, as does Jen but the calls of support for myself have been very few and far between.  Many coworkers and others at church have expressed there sorrow but very few have taken the time to understand my feelings and the emptiness.  At first, I questioned if this was just me or has this also happened to other men.  After sharing with several close friends that had also lost a child, they related they also did not receive many calls of support particularly from other men.  Since then, other male acquaintances who have lost a child have also shared they did not received much support.  One fellow (who had also lost his son in Oct.) shared he finally broke down and asked his wife if all he was, was a sperm donor?   He just really felt alone.   I would encourage others, particularly men who know of a man that has recently lost a child, take time to share a cup of coffee, don’t just share “if there’s anything you need just let me know”.  Take the time, make the call, it really helps, I know.   

As I gather some of Joel’s early pictures, and relate those moments, I hope you will come to understand his growth into manhood and the relationship he had with his Lord Jesus.  

12/5/03 - Friday

I have not been silent for any other reason than just busy!  I'm still dealing with the business of losing a spouse and all the paper work and phone calls that it takes to get things reorganized.  It's not at all difficult, just time consuming.  I am back in the lab every day and things are going well.  This weekend would be the weekend Joel and I would  start decorating the house and picking out the Christmas tree.  We would only play Christmas music from now until New Years.  The sights and sounds of Christmas will be a constant reminder of Joel.  

I am still in the same place as far as missing Joel and grieving.  I knew it would be a slow process for me.  There are so many things happening in this new life I have, all of which are positive, but I am unable to really appreciate and enjoy these events and circumstances because Joel is not here to share them with.  

I did survive my first cat crisis on my own, which was a huge hurdle.  I think it's obvious how attached I am to my cats (second only to my husband)...well any time one of them was sick enough to go to the vet, Joel always made time to go with me because he knew how anxious and upset I would get.  So, every crisis so far, he's been there to comfort me and keep me calm.  Well, Sunday night after being away for the weekend, I noticed Sneakers had two large open wounds on his back legs.  They looked suspiciously like bites and I believe the culprit to be the Tasmanian Devil (aka TAZ).  I took him in to our vet the next day and the wounds had to be stitched.  Of course you have to put the cat under to do this, and of course since Sneakers is 11 years old and is considered a 'geriatric patient', he had to have a complete physical before they would consider him for anesthesia.  So, make a long story short, he passes the physical with flying colors (our vet says his blood work looked like that of a 4 year old cat) and the dr. proceeds with the surgery to close the wounds and for a small extra fee, he cleans his teeth.  Which is really important because many cats die of gum disease related disorders and infections.  I am a basket case, of course, but very relieved that Sneakers is in great health and that the surgery is simple with a very fast recover.  However, the vet called me during the procedure to tell me that two teeth have terrible cavities and one needs to be removed.  The other can be saved, but only by lasering the cavity and bonding the tooth.  Now, our vet, Dr. Bellows, happens to be the country's  leading expert in veterinary dentistry.  He travels all over the country to work on big cats and other famous animals.  He performs about a 5 hour procedure on Sneakers while I am a nervous wreck and successfully fixes the teeth and wounds and sends him home on pain medicine and antibiotics.  Now, if you have never seen a cat on pain medicine, I assure you it is a sight!  He was absolutely fine after the procedure, running around and hungry and glad to be home.  But, he had a slight list to one side and his tongue was sticking out of his mouth just a little and he was purring constantly.  He could not really walk a straight line, he just weaved slightly.  It was very cute.  He really wanted to sit in my lap the whole night.  The vet thinks the tooth was causing him some pain and that he probably felt better immediately.  I know that's way more cat information than anyone wants to hear, but it was huge, that I got through that by myself.  This is Sneakers crashed out on good pain medicine!

Later, I took a close look at the other two cats and discovered there must have been a huge battle while I was away.  All three of them had multiple less severe bites and scratches on them.  All of which were mostly healed by the time I found them, but I would have liked to have had a camera in the house to see that cat fight.  At least someone is using the recliner I bought for Joel.