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8/31/04 - Tuesday

I have just returned from two weeks of 'summer camp for scientists'!  It was actually a very intense course in conservation genetics, but because of the location and atmosphere and nightly social hour, it felt like a combination of camp and college, complete with dorm style rooms and communal bathrooms.  The facilities are nestled in among the hills and house many endangered wildlife species for captive breeding programs and research.  So, it was a great place to explore in the very limited free time we had.   Both the faculty and students were brilliant and fun and I have a whole new group of friends that I will keep in touch with in the future.  Most of the faculty are from the Laboratory for Genomic Diversity/Natl Cancer Institute.  They work on the cat genome for both conservation of big cats and as a model for human biomedical studies.  Ironically, they keep Bengal cats for short intervals for their research.  I may adopt my Bengals from the lab, I have not decided yet.  Best memories include:  endless hours of lecture, endless hours of computer labs, plenary lectures every evening, the Clouded Leopard, howling with the Maned Wolves, Mongolian horses, trail running up the hills, the scenery, the race horse cemetery, canoeing the Shenandoah River, the high stress ping pong tournament, three trips to the top of the water tower, running every day with Wendee, chatting with fellow students and famous scientists over a glass of red wine, and the last night party/bonfire.  See, just like camp.  Some photos below, more later.

Smithsonian's Conservation Research Center, Front Royal, VA

The Blue Ridge Mtns

Computer Lab

Lecture in the auditorium

I extended my trip to visit family in Virginia.  My Aunt Pat, cousin Bridgette, and my 'mini me' cousin Lisa and her 'mini me' daughter Lauryn.  Best memories include:  dinner with Pat, Bridgette and Margaret, playing the Bach Sonatas with Pat accompanying me, breakfast with Lisa and Lauryn, lunch with Sue, and walking to Starbucks with Pat and listening to her tell wonderful stories from her past.

8/15/04 - Sunday

Today, a year ago, was such an awful day for Joel and I.  He was barely recovered from the stent implant, and went for chemo.  This was when his liver tests first indicated signs of severe liver malfunction.  Dr N. gave Joel the option of stopping treatment, but Joel wanted to try one more round.  He did, and it almost killed him.  He was so sick for two weeks after that and it was his very last chemo.  Good riddance.  I would not take chemo if I were diagnosed with terminal cancer myself.  It doesn't mean I would not fight it, I would just fight it differently knowing what I know about chemo.  Anyway, the memories did not consume me all day so I guess that's progress.

My parents are here to house sit for me while I'm up at the Smithsonian Institute's Center for Conservation and Research in Front Royal, VA.  I'm taking a two week course in conservation genetics.  It should be an outstanding course.  

My dad went with me to a triathlon.  He'd never seen me race before.  It was great having him there.  He even video taped parts of the race.  We watched it with my Mom later.  Incidentally, I also found a box of my childhood memorabilia in the attic the other day.  I found a little journal that you fill in all the details of your life through kindergarten and grade school.  The funniest thing was that I apparently weighed 35 lbs in kindergarten!! and where it asked what I wanted to be when I grew up...I wrote in..."a kitty".  Go figure.

8/13/04 - Friday

No bad weather here, we were totally spared.  But my bengal cat breeder is in Punta Gorda, the hardest hit area.  I hope her bengals are ok.  Captiva is now cut in two!  My friend and I were just there last weekend.  Watching those people that lost everything is so heartbreaking.  I hope they are able to recover and at least appreciate the fact that they are alive.  We should pray for those people and the rescue and support teams going in to help.  

8/12/04 - Thursday

Bracing for possible hurricane.

8/11/04 - Wednesday

I came home from Minnesota last week to major roof leaks.  The roofer had to remove a section so that the attic was open to the sky and I jumped on that opportunity to look around up there in sunlight and fresh air!  I did some major much-needed attic reorganizing.  I found a lot of old junk to get rid of...just broken old stuff that has no value or sentimental meaning.  But the real treasures were more boxes of Joel's stuff.  I found the original journals that he kept on the ship that he photo copied and mailed to me while we were dating long distance.  He described our reunion in Cocoa Beach and even journals our first kiss.  As I re-read them, I noticed that he wrote the same things while he was out on the ship I'm writing in my journal now.  He would write how much he missed me, and that life was not the same when we were apart, etc etc (I'll spare the gory details.).  The separation during a critical part of our relationship was very hard on him.  The similarities in our writing are uncanny.  I also found his journal from the time we got engaged through our wedding.  He occasionally read excerpts to me, but I had never seen the whole thing.  It's so wonderful.  I kept a journal during that time too, so it's great to read his perspective.  I turned the last page and found he had pressed his boutonniere from our wedding between the pages.  I never knew he kept that.

 I know I should be upset about this major roof problem that will end in me eventually putting a new roof on the house, but I was so happy to have light and air up there for a few hours it was worth every penny!  The funniest part was that the roofer initially could not find the leaks because they had already dried.  After he left I remembered Joel once taught me how to find leaks.  So I waited until a hard rain storm and I took a flashlight up into the attic and sat and waited.  In a few minutes I could hear the drips and bingo, I spotted where water was coming in and marked the spots for the roofer when he came back the next day!  Thanks Joel!  

8/8/04 - Sunday

Took a quick trip with my friend Kim to the west coast of FLA see some kittens and potential  parents.  The kittens were beautiful and full of energy, but both sets of parents were on romantic encounters and could not be disturbed.  I guess even cats need their privacy for those intimate moments.  Kim asked the breeder how she got the cats "in the mood"...we wondered...did they light candles, use aromatherapy, get them tipsy on cat nip?  Hmmm.   If all went well, both females will be expecting some time in Nov or December!

8/3/04 - Tuesday

Back home.

The rest of my time in Minnesota was spent with Joel's sisters and their families.  We sat around Sunday night and watched videos of Joel and ate popcorn.  The kids were wonderful.  They all loved watching Uncle Joel videos almost as much me!  Monday was picnicking in the park, shopping and scrap booking.  My nieces helped me scrapbook the pictures we took when I was there in October.  Good memories of time with family:  late night talks and manicures with Nikole and Anna, riding on the mule, making malt ball pie with the kids, monkey bars in the park, playing with the kittens.

8/1/04 - Sunday

Today is the 10 month point.  Hard to believe.  Last night I went to Joel's 20th reunion.  It was strange to be there without him.  But everyone made me feel welcome and helped make it a special night.  Thanks to everyone who took the time to share with me memories of Joel and express their feelings about his web site.  Everyone was so kind and encouraging.  Good memories of the night:  getting flowers from the class, seeing Catherine and Steve, Kate and Jay, Cheryl and Mark

At this point in my grieving, this is what I am experiencing:

• Pretty good ability to function in the day to day, better ability to focus.  Multi-tasking is still difficult.
• I still feel the aching and longing for Joel with the same intensity, but it doesn't overwhelm me and interfere with functioning all the time.
• I still feel grieving is my primary concern, I still tend to be a walking memorial.  I wear his clothes less, but always wear his wedding ring on my necklace and I wear mine on my left hand as always.
• I can smile and laugh, but it's colored with sadness.  Fun lacks the carefree attitude of life before cancer.
• I am still a little stuck between living in the past and stepping out into the future.  Still can't visualize my future without Joel.
• Remembering last year at this time the horrifying experience of having the esophageal stent put in.  
• I have begun building relationships, with other women or couples...have NO interest in building relationships with men, except family and the friends we already had.
• Still not really living in our house, just passing through each day.  I eat standing at the counter, don't sit on the couches or at the table or on the patio.  I sleep in the bed and use the shower and computer, but still feel lost in my own home.
• Staying close to God, involved in church and growing spiritually.

Just a little insight into what my grief experience looks like after 10 months.