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August
2002
8/30 - Friday
Chemo #16.
8/23 - Friday
Chemo #15.
8/22 - Thursday
Nothing profound to write - just a note of thanks for being there with me.
Been working alot since my last entry. Thanks for all the amazing support,
prayers and e-mails. I read them all, often many times - whether its two lines
or a whole letter. I am so encouraged by even just a "hi - hope you are
well"
Incidentally - I am doing well. God's been good to me - I continue to remain
without symptoms. The cancer is just sort of there...not hurting me in any way.
Chemo's not so fun, but the tumors themselves are not doing anything to me.
(Can't feel my toes, but that's old news).
No travel recently, I've been concentrating on some other work items locally.
Talking casually about work seems to indicate a sense of normalcy...although
that so much varies depending on your own circumstances.
For example...
I just had a buddy write me with an update on his Mom - she's going through a
cancer battle as well, now on her 3rd round of chemo. My prayers are with them.
Man, that's not something you want your Mom to endure. You tend to think your
Mom is the one woman on earth for whom you'd bear anything. I imagine watching
that happen, and knowing all they can do is be there, living, loving,
supporting, praying...it must really change you from deep inside. Jen talks to
me about being on the outside looking in sometimes. She says its tough.
I've slowly realized I am over the mental part of this ordeal - that's a
strange thing to say, but its true. Daily life is now quite normal. My priorities
are different, my time with Jen is more meaningful, more focused on things of a
higher order - so many things no longer even occupy space in my brain. Life is
very simple...and that's good. Jen and I went out for dinner last night - I
said I'm more content with life now and where I am with God, with her and with
work than at any other point I can recall. If Paul said to be content
regardless the circumstances...then I'm there. I have so much to do...whether I
have 4 days left or 40 years left. Each day has so many possibilities. I do not
worry about things anymore. There are so many good reasons to try to make a
difference. Show up, work hard, ask questions and don't quit. Don't ever quit.
8/16 - Friday
No chemo - off week.
8/9 - Friday
Chemo #14.
8/8 - Thursday
Minor surgery - 30 minute procedure. I'm having a Port-a-Cath put in my chest
for chemo. It sits under the skin, with a small tube inserted into a large vein
just before the heart called the superior vena cava. It can remain in place for
years with few complications. The chemo has been beating up my veins (thromboflabitis), and they are having a tough time finding a good vein in my
arms that doesn't already have some scarring.
8/7 - Wednesday
Workday.
8/5-6 - Monday-Tuesday
Trip to Washington D.C. for work. Travelling is still o.k., although it hits me
like my old consulting days now and then. Jen's not thrilled since she knows
its a bit of a stressful lifestyle. Its temporary.
While travelling, I met a blind guy on the subway in D.C. For a moment, my
troubles vanished. He had a white stick and just stood there waiting by the
subway track with me. I didn't say anything at first, just watched as a few
trains went by. I thought he must have known which train he wanted. His hair
was a bit greasy, his clothes not so neat. I imagined he dealt with various
looks and stares. Thinking of his world of darkness and uncertainty, I was
ashamed to think I had an ounce of trouble by comparison. This man's world was
contained within the length of his walking stick. As my train approached,
another guy asked him if this was his train. He quickly said yes, apparently
surprised having not heard the announcement. I wished I had asked, thinking I
was watching but not helping. We chatted on the train...only riding for a few
minutes. He asked me where I was from, although I never said I was a traveller.
I guess he heard the wheels on my suitcase roll across the tile subway floor. I
wondered what else he heard...and what else I missed. We walked together toward
the escalator - now I was helping him find the way. In reflection, he probably
didn't need my help, but it made me feel better I guess. He made his way across
a wide expanse of sidewalk toward the exit toll-booth. He knew just where to
put his ticket to depart...and slowly walked out of the station. As I rolled my
suitcase and departed in another direction, I told him to take it easy. He
headed off saying, "Yep, nice talking with you."
I rode the escalator alone up to the sidewalk...in silence...just thinking.
After a meeting like that, you're not in a rush anymore. Stopping at the top of
the escalator, just looking around at things, taking in the sun, seeing things
I hadn't seen before, a tear dropped as I thought that's something the blind
man can't do. But what he did was touch my heart...and reminded me how to be
thankful again. Four months ago, I vowed not to take the life God gave me for
granted. Quietly, I renewed that vow as I walked down the sidewalk...heading to
work...just a normal guy. And thanks to my new friend...I was seeing things I
never noticed before...and thanking God I could.
8/3 - Saturday
Day after chemo - back to mild side-effects like some hot flashes and slight
metal mouth.
Jen and I went for a walk, and threw in a jog for 800 yards or so. Blood counts
are still normal, so we're trying to take advantage of this time.
I appreciate your prayers, as always. We rely on them and stand stronger
knowing you're will us.
8/2 - Friday
Chemo #13 - same routine, same drugs.
It worked the first time, so our oncologist decided not to change the drugs. We
plan 6 weeks then another CT scan. Desire is to get the liver clean. The door
on surgery is not closed, but the liver needs to have a complete response. Of
the 5 tumors originally in the liver, 2 are now dead and only 3 remain viable.
PET scan actually only detected 2 still viable. Good news if that's correct.
My 6-hr chemo session still consists of:
Primary chemo agents:
- CPT-11
- 5-FU (flouracil)
- Cisplatin
- Leucovorin
Plus some other secondary agents:
+ Ativan (Lorazepam) - reduces nausea during chemo
+ Kytril - reduces nausea + vomiting
+ Celebrex - enhances efficacy of some chemo drugs
+ Prevacid - lowers acid in my stomach
+ Zofran - used with Decadron to prevent nausea
+ Decadron - reduces nausea + has strong anti-cancer effects (anti angiogenesis
- shuts off blood supply to tumors) as well as good targeting properties,
steering the chemo to the tumors more effectively.
Jen was by my side as always. Can't imagine what watching me throw up and pass
out for 6 hours must be like. She so much wants to bear this burden with me,
but just watches and helps all she can. Once we get home, I'm out cold for the
night - and her research online continues for many hours. Keep her in your
prayers as well...I know of nobody stronger.
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