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April 2005

April 22 - Friday

Just been working to put the finishing touches on the thesis.  I'm down to the formatting and labeling figures and tables.  And just when you think you're back in control, you get a reminder that you are not...my dad is really sick with pneumonia and in the hospital.  So I'm going to be running back and forth between their house and my house for a while.  Hopefully I'll still meet the deadlines to defend the thesis in May, but of course family is more important.  

Had dinner after church last Saturday with the girls from Griefshare.  They are all doing well pretty well and it was good to see them.  I have missed church a lot lately because of gigs and workshops on the weekends.   

Joel's parents told me that the New Prague High School athletic record board is up and Joel still has the school record for the half mile!  Thanks to everyone who donated to this project.  I'm sure the students and Athletic Department are thrilled to have it and Joel's family and myself are very proud to have yet another wonderful tribute to our Joel.

Kittens are huge!  Especially Spot.  He's going to be a monster.  His feet are as big as Fang's.  PC loves to ride on the big cats like a horse.  They don't really like to play the game, they just sleep.  Spott has the cutest furry tummy.  Here are the latest pics.  Does anyone know why my digital images are grainy when I put them on the web?  Where is that Joel when I need him to answer my computer questions!! 

April 1 - Friday

Today is a year and a half.  I guess this means I will no longer answer in months when people ask how long since my husband passed away.  I will just say "about a year and a half ago".  I'll probably use that as my answer until October, then I'll be saying "two years ago".   As always, It boggles my mind that I have survived this long.  After this long, I've sort of settled in to what I think my grief over Joel will feel like for the rest of my life.  I go along everyday, pretty content and at peace, but thinking about him constantly and missing him just as much as day one.  That will never change.  What is getting better is that the triggers that send me into deep sadness are happening less frequently.  I'm getting a bit more organized, able to handle multiple tasks at once...believe me, grief takes up a lot of brain space and I struggled with the simplest tasks for ages (and some not so simple tasks like writing my thesis).  I'm not interested in a social life...all I do is work and train and take care of my little furry family and that's just fine with me.  I do place a high priority on my spiritual development and relationship with God...that is critical.  I just really miss Joel and it's still very painful to go through each day with out him, but I tolerate it better as time goes on.  It's hard to imagine ever feeling any better, this may be it and I think I could live with this level of grief indefinitely if I have to.

April 2 - Saturday

This morning I turned in the final chapter of my Master's thesis!  It will still need some editing and corrections and I have to add some figures and tables etc.  But other than throwing together a PowerPoint presentation for my defense, the majority is done.  My defense is tentatively set for May 6 and commencement is June 25.  Knowing those dates makes it feel like a reality for the first time.  I'm headed north to see my parents, my brother and sneak in a pre season triathlon at the Triathlon Mecca, Clermont.

April 3 - Sunday

What was I thinking?  What possessed me to enter an Olympic distance triathlon in Clermont, FL (the home of the USAT National Triathlon Training Center) in early April?  This all means traveling to a long race (I've only done one other olympic distance ever), an extremely hilly course, cold weather, cold water, lots of wind and a bunch of elite athletes and teams who train pretty much full time.  All for my first race of the season.  

So, I get to the venue, the wind is blowing 15 mph with higher gusts, the lake looks like the ocean and my ears were popping on the drive in because of the hills.  Plus, I see all these people with very fancy racing bikes, looking extremely fit and traveling around in groups with matching uniforms and large support staff with vans.  I almost turned around and left!  But I figured I might as well do it and see how I feel after all the training this winter.  

So, it's 47 degrees when I arrive and by the time I check in and set up my stuff in the transition area, I'm already hypothermic.  The lake actually feels hot compared to the air.  I suffer through the swim, never getting into a rhythm because of the choppy water and because my arms went completely numb due to the cold.  I cant feel my fingers, so it takes forever to get my bike shoes and helmet on.  The bike course starts right away with a hill, so I'm exhausted before the first mile and the hills don't stop for the whole 25 miles.  I think I just went up hill the whole way...there are no down hills in all of Clermont.  Plus there was always a head wind.  How can that be?  Every time I turned a corner I expected to feel that wonderful sensation of being pushed by the wind, but it never happened.   Clermont must be in an alternate universe.  I was thankful to be done with what is usually my favorite part of triathlon.  The run was a pleasure, because of the cool temps, but it was a hilly course and my legs were dead from the bike.  But, I did have fun, and considering the conditions and the level of competition, I'm happy with how I placed.  I spent the rest of the day with my brother and my parents and it was great to see them after I've been a hermit for so long.

April 5 - Tuesday

Had some business with the Coast Guard today that took me down to Miami Beach and onto a 

210' cutter just like the one Joel was on when we first started dating back in Cocoa Beach.  Being on the ship and seeing the places that are in the videos that I watched every night for so long was so weird.  I could picture Joel standing on the bridge,  teaching aerobics on the flight deck and sitting in the wardroom or in his stateroom.  It was one of those triggers that left me feeling rough all day.  But I came home to the antics of the 3 crazy kittens and the two big boys, and they got me laughing pretty quick.  Gracie stole my bagel right off my plate and I literally played tug of war with her to get it back.  She's so spunky!  She was NOT going to let go of that bagel.

And the photo of the week is...

"Kitten...the other white meat"