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April 2004

4/30/04 - Friday

Happy Birthday to Sandy!!

4/29/04 - Thursday

Another emotional day today.  I met with two pastors from Calvary Chapel and the school to discuss ideas for setting up the scholarship.  Instead of just a one-time award, they would like to raise additional funds to invest along with what we've go so far so that the scholarship could be awarded every year and grow as time passes.  I have no idea how to be on a scholarship board, or raise funds, but we feel led to move forward because we serve a powerful God and Calvary Chapel is a huge force.  That church has so many resources and so many smart people on staff and in the body, that they can pretty much do anything.  Joel always wondered if he would ever leave any meaningful legacy behind, even before he was diagnosed.  Well, I know scholarships can dramatically change the direction of a child's life for the better!  This has the potential to accomplish some real good.  Being Joel's 'wife left behind' ( I hate the word 'widow') is a full time job and it looks like it will be for a while longer!  It's such an honor, I would do it forever but I know at some point I'll have to get on with my assignment in life rather than only live through Joel's.

4/28/04 - Wednesday

Today was a great day and a tremendously difficult day for me.  I went down to Joel's Coast Guard office in Miami to help them celebrate the opening of the new district 7 command center.  I can't really talk about the details because it's classified, but I can tell you that it is the 'nerve center' that runs the district and it is dedicated to Joel's memory because years ago he had a vision to change the way information is managed in the command center that would greatly improve the way the place does business.  Well, today that vision is a reality.  As I understand it, there were others who shared the vision (or were coerced by Joel and his typical persistence) and this group of individuals along with Joel were honored today as the new command center was unveiled.  Apparently there is nothing else like it anywhere in the Coast Guard.  The Captain who supervised the project gave a wonderful account of how Joel badgered him into listening to his ideas years ago.  After he spoke, he invited everyone to move up to the front of the room where there was a Coast Guard flag hanging on the wall.  When the flag was pulled down, it revealed a wall plaque dedicating the new command center to the people who were instrumental in the project.  Joel's name was in big letters at the top, and quoted at the bottom was Joel's favorite mantra "What if everyone knew everything".  When I saw this, I became very emotional, just from pride and love and sadness that he could not see what an impact he had on the organization.   With this new technology in place, everybody in the command center will finally know everything they need to know.  Very cool, Joel, very cool.  There was a reception after, and I got the chance to catch up with some Coast Guard friends that I have not seen in a while.  As I drove back home to Ft Lauderdale, I cried the whole way.

4/27/04 - Tuesday

Long bike ride and directly into a run.  There, that's my training for this Sunday's race.  I was on a good training schedule until I got sick.  Had a brilliant night scrapbooking as always.  I replicated the Blue Ridge Mountains out of paper as the background for our photos from hiking Grandfather Mountain.

4/26/04 - Monday

Worked in the lab, met with my advisor to evaluate progress on the paper and other projects.  Went to Griefshare and had a smaller group than usual.  There was more laughter than usual.

4/25/04 - Sunday

Last orchestra concert for the season, whew!  I'm glad that's over.  One thing off my plate for now!

4/24/04 - Saturday

Went to church tonight.  It was great as always.  Spent some time after the service talking with several of the girls from last year's griefshare group.  Sinuses finally feeling better and now I'm just left with a really annoying cough!  It's a good thing too, because in one week I have the first triathlon of the season.  It's just a short one, but a good warm up for the year to test how I'm feeling and if I still have an interest in racing after all that's happened.  I should have a good season because I'm leaner, meaner, and have a lot higher pain tolerance!  But it's pretty meaningless without Joel.  Last year he didn't feel up to going with me to the races, but I would call him the minute I finished and then again after the results were posted.  This year it will seem strange not to have him to share these events with.  

4/22/04 - Thursday

This is a photo taken last Easter at my parent's church.  Joel was doing great at that time and this was to be our Christmas card for 2003...(here's your Christmas photo, Nancy)

4/21/04 - Wednesday

37th birthday.  I did not do much because I have been sick for the last week.  In fact I have not done much at all for the last week!  Today was a pretty neutral day.  Of course I missed Joel, but that is a constant feeling.  I thought a lot about past birthdays and tried to remember all the romantic things he did for me.  He always sent me flowers.  This year family and friends picked up flower duty and I have a nice collection of flowers around the house (which of course FANG tries to eat!).  I talked to my brother, sister and parents on the phone and Joel's parents.  Had a long talk with Tasha on the phone.  Then I dug through my box of letters from Joel and pulled out all the birthday cards he ever sent me and read through every one at least twice.  Then for the first time in a while, I cried myself to sleep.  That was my first birthday without Joel.

4/12/04 - Monday

No griefshare tonight.  Just trying to write the rest of my paper but there's a panther in my lap and I can't type...oh no wait, it's just my cat, FANG.

4/11/04 - Easter Sunday

I spent the weekend with my parents and my brother.  We had a quiet time, went to church on Sunday.  It was very strange because Joel and I were there on Easter a year ago and went to the same church and had a picture taken outside on a bench.  He was doing great at the time.  In fact when Joel and I got the picture developed, we both thought right away that it would be our 2003 photo Christmas card.  We would laugh every year that until we had cute kids to put on our card, people would just have to get a picture of us, or the cats!   I sat on that same bench today and I just could not believe that Joel was not with me.   Today, we should rejoice in the resurrection, but I miss Joel so desperately.  I know he's in Heaven rejoicing, I even had one of those quick dreams when you nod off to sleep and then wake right up, that Joel had a very important job in Heaven.  I think he's probably trying to upgrade their computers, or get a web site going, or remodeling the place.  

When I got home from the weekend, the cats took turns sleeping in my lap.  They are very cute.  

4/9/04 - Good Friday

I have been missing Joel so much all week.  I always miss him, but even more this week.  We all know what today is and how significant this day is to Christians.  I spent some time this morning reading the Gospels and reflecting on Christ's last day on earth and what his death has secured for me.  I wonder what they do in Heaven on Good Friday.  

4/8/04 - Thursday

I will be ordering a bunch of extra Coast Guard race t-shirts.  I guess they are royal blue and I heard they look great.  I am buying them myself (they are only $6 a piece), but a few people have insisted on paying for theirs, so just know that if you want to pay for the shirt, I'm just going to donate the money back to the  District 7 Coast Guard morale fund.  They did some nice things for Joel and I during his illness, so I've always wanted to give back to them.  Anyway, I'll get M, L and XL, so just let me know.  The race website is www.footworksmiami.com if anyone wants to run on Thursday, May 6 in the evening.

4/7/04 - Wednesday

Got an answer to prayer today.  Back when Joel was diagnosed, I was about halfway through my master's.  We made the decision that I would stay in school (after a lot of prayer and discussion), but I really focused on being with Joel and supporting him and doing research for his battle with cancer.  I just did the bare minimum to get by in the lab so I kind of fell behind as far as the new technologies being used in conservation genetics.  But, I was completely at peace with my choice to make Joel my priority, there was no question.  I knew it would mean never being an expert in the field as I would have if I would have if I had spent all my time on it.  But that was fine, I didn't care.  I just wanted to save my husband's life.  So, recently an opportunity came up to apply to a two week training course called 'Recent Advances in Conservation Genetics'.  From reading the syllabus, I could see that it would pretty much bring me up to speed and help me catch up.  The faculty are experts and very well known in the field and it would be a golden opportunity.  But, they only accept a small group and it's open to professors, students and professionals.  So, we thought it was a long shot, but my advisor helped me with the application and I just found out today that I got in.  I really can not take much credit, it was the research projects and the lab/professor's reputation that got me in.  But it was an answer to prayer because I just did not know how I was going to do a PhD without knowing all the current high tech methods for analyzing genetic information.  I guess this  is what God wants me to do right now.  So I am going to take the course. 

4/6/04 - Tuesday

Griefshare was good last night.  The focus was on developing a relationship with God.  In terrible times, that's pretty easy to do...who else do you have to turn to?  Tonight was my scrapbook night.  It was a very successful session.  I had someone 'scraplift' my layout.  This is a huge honor in the sport of scrapbooking.  It's when someone likes your pages so much, that they kind of copy the ideas.  Of course I had gotten the idea (the subject was our cruise) from a sample in a magazine, so I guess I scraplifted too.  But it really turned out cute.

4/4/04 - Sunday

This weekend was really a weekend for reconnecting with friends.  First Catherine, and today I spent time visiting my first college roommate from the Coast Guard Academy.  She was down in Miami with her husband for a business trip.  She was my 'swab summer' roommate, so we went through the most intense part of the experience together.  Much to my horror and delight, she had pictures of us at the academy.  They were hysterical.  As much as I tried to erase that experience from my memory, there were some good times.  It was wonderful seeing her and meeting her husband and their new baby!  We have not seen each other since early 1986!  We lost touch after we both left the academy.  She remembers Joel from the academy, but only recently found out about us and him.  She's just finishing up her PhD in political sci.  

4/3/04 - Saturday

Spent time with Catherine (from New Prague) and her family over in Naples.  It was great to see her and wonderful to hang out in the pool with their kids having relay races and answering questions about sharks and whales.  I think her two oldest will go back to school in Minnesota as the class marine biology experts!

4/2/04 - Friday

I forgot to mention something in my 6 month update that's very important to where I am in the process.  That is that I still feel married to Joel.  I wear my wedding ring on my left hand as always and I wear his wedding band on a necklace given to me by Meredith and Lael.  It's a silver pendant inscribed with our names.  When I talk to people that do not know me very well, I can see there eyes shifting back and forth between my necklace and my face.  I know they are dying to ask me about it.  But I like to just leave them hanging, wondering.  

4/1/04 - Thursday

Six months ago today Joel went to Heaven.  I can not believe I have survived that long with out him.  I had a difficult time getting motivated today.  I went for a bike ride and then I just did not want to do anything, but stay home and cry and remember Joel.  But I forced myself to go to the lab, just because I have so much to do.  I did ok, and ended up having a productive day with out a major meltdown.  At 5:50 PM, the moment of his passing, I was engaged in some serious retail therapy at Super Target.  I only bought a lip balm and some Peanut M&Ms, but it was a good distraction just to browse around.  Then I sat through an orchestra rehearsal and headed home after a very long day.  

I've spent a lot of time reflecting on where I'm at in the grief process.  I thought it would be helpful for everyone to have a 6-month update on my status, so here goes...

Crying - I cry less, in short spurts, mostly at night, during church or driving in the car.  Crying no longer provides the relief it used to, so it's more trouble than it's worth.

Functioning - I function pretty well, but make lots of stupid mistakes and am easily distracted.  I mess up my schedule, double book myself for appointments and have trouble getting anywhere on time.  

Social interaction - I have very little desire to be around people.  It takes too much energy to pretend I'm ok.  I'm discovering that I tend to isolate myself (this can be common in people who grieve).

Appetite - very little, mostly meal shakes, smoothies, Greens First, and peanut m&ms.  Maybe one solid meal per day, standing at the kitchen counter.  Eating is no fun without Joel.

Physical - I feel great physically.  Joel's illness took a physical toll on me as well, so to have that lifted off my shoulders, has helped my sense of well being...strictly physically speaking.  Without chemo and the unexpected day to day events related to having cancer, my workouts are very regular and that makes me feel good.  Endorphins stave off depression.

Emotional pain level - still strong, but different than the first few weeks.  It's bearable, whereas at first it was so unbearable I thought I would die.  Now, the grief just hangs out by my side, and I can tolerate it comfortably most of the time.

Spiritual - in a growth phase.  Without Joel as the spiritual leader in the relationship, it has been up to me to see that I don't become stagnant.  I feel good about my relationship with God.

Business - never ends.  Still reorganizing and taking care of stuff related to Joel's death.

Moving on - no where near it.  I have not touched his stuff.  I still derive a lot of comfort from having his things surround me.  I was encouraged to at least go through the cabinets and throw out the expired food, mainly Joel's cereals.  I was warned not to look in the boxes as they might be infested with bugs, but my science brain just had to know if the organic pest control we switched to over a year ago was working; and...No Bugs!  Just stale cheerios.  I missed waking up in the morning to Joel at the dining table, hunched over his cereal with the Bible open and all 3 cats up on the table in 'bread loaf' position waiting for the leftover milk that was a morning tradition.  It was hard to throw that cereal out.

I guess that about sums it up.  The cats wanted me to pass along that they were doing pretty well.  They miss Joel a lot, especially sharing breakfast with him, but they are trying to take care of me and get on with their kitty lives.