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April 2003

4/26 - Saturday

I'm feeling fine.  Got a "tennis ball" feeling in my stomach, but I imagine its just the primary tumor...no other side effects.  I'm off chemo for the next week.

Went shopping with Jen today, had some fun.  It was a rainy, drizzly sort of day - perfect to watch a movie, go to the mall, or hit a local restaurant....so that's what we did.  Zero work.  No pressure. All fun.  Ahhh.

Jen got some diving equipment for a trip to the Bahamas coming up.  As a scientific diver, she is going with a research team from school to snip a piece DNA from some shark fins.  I asked her why go to the Bahamas to get shark fin pieces, why not go to the local fish-house?  She said the sharks are alive.  I asked, "ok, so you're going swimming with sharks to take a little piece of their fin (genetics research) while they are alive and swimming around you?"  

"Yep," she said, matter-of-factly, as though swimming with sharks was like buying a newspaper.

Glad I'm not going..:-)

4/22- Friday

I've been a little quiet on the journal this week - no deep thoughts - just a bunch of workk.

Busy Coast Guard work week...gotta watch that.

4/22 - Tuesday

Back to Coast Guard work.  Had a great Easter weekend at Jen's folks house in central Florida.  Took in church, good food, good company...great way to celebrate Christ's gift to us.

Several funny stories - cutting shark fins, garage door collapsing, etc.   More later.

I am feeling well.  The bone pain of "glass shards in my joints" subsides 4-5 days after chemo (Taxol).  Feeling a bit "full" again, and noticing some trouble swallowing - but nothing more.  Life goes on...another sunrise, and breath to breathe.

4/21 - Monday

Jen turned a beautiful 36 today!

4/20 - Sunday

Happy Easter!

4/17 - Thursday

Happy Birthday Deanna!  (My little sister turns 30!)

Where'd the week go.

I'm tolerating this chemo well except for bone pain.  I have the feeling of glass shards in my joints.  Its hard to sleep through the night, so I take Tylenol with my chemo (one of my two drugs is taken orally 6 pills a day).

Still walking 30 minutes a night.

Thanks for your prayers and encouragement...I try to answer 2-3 e-mails a day.

4/13 - Sunday

Church sermon posed a good question - "Who's more beautiful - Mother Teresa or Cindy Crawford?"

The point wasn't about beauty (internal or external) as much about how we compare ourselves to others..."am I as talented?  am I as good-looking?  do others like me as much? do I measure up in their eyes?"   We often spend a good deal of time contemplating how we are seen in others eyes.  In the end, other people don't worry about our clothes, hair, shoes or makeup nearly as much as we do.  So move on with life, get over yourself, and do something good for God, the world or your fellow man...trusting that your talents rest exactly where God intended them.

4/11- Friday

Chemo #37.

Didn't throw up during the treatment...good sign.  Jen was by my side, as always.

Victoria, Jim and Luna - thanks for chatting and sharing your hearts with us.

My oncologist is crafting a secondary chemo protocol for submission to a journal based on some of the drugs I'm on...Taxol, Epirubicin and Xeloda or "TEX" (I'm not on Epirubicin - just the other two).  I guess I'm the first patient on his TEX regimen.  Hope set high marks for survival...!

4/10 - Thursday

Ran across this verse today - it fortified my resolve and affirmed my hope, so I thought I'd share it:

This is what the Lord says: “Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans and turn their hearts away from the Lord. They are like stunted shrubs in the desert, with no hope for the future. They will live in the barren wilderness, on the salty flats where no one lives.  “But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.  They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they go right on producing delicious fruit.  [Jeremiah 17: 5-10]

4/9 - Wednesday

I just returned from spending several days with my 84-year old Grandmother in North Dakota.  She was recently moved into a long-term care facility, but is doing well.  The family rallied around her and helped adjust to the move.

She is a wise lady - and worth listening to more each day.  I sat for hours, listened and learned through stories from the past, and gained insight for the future.  I enjoyed our time together.  We talked openly about my illness.  She lost a son, my uncle, when he was just 41.  She recalled that Grandpa said he died a thousand deaths when my uncle passed away.

I am unsure when I'll get to see Grandma again...I hope its soon.

I sort of carried on that reflection into the past during my plane ride home - I started reading a book about the life and times of Abe Lincoln by Carl Sandberg.  I got the book when I was 9 as a Christmas gift, but never read it.  I thought it would be boring.  Now almost 30 years later - I find it relevant and inspiring.  The lessons on life I learned from Grandma strangely mirrored those from Abe Lincoln's life a century before - life is tough on everyone, so get over it; if you work hard, things work out in the end; family is a treasure, but personal moral clarity and faith in God more so; your word is your bond, so uphold it;  fussing over little things isn't worth the trouble; and many more.

My life's perspective grows more clear every day.

4/1 - Tuesday

Coast Guard work day today.  

I just caught up with an online journal about Dan Roelofs, a young minister from Minnesota who had cancer.  Here's his website.  http://www.caringbridge.org/mn/roelofsreport.  A dear friend sent this story to me a few weeks ago.  

The local paper also ran a story on him - http://www.startribune.com/stories/462/3756912.html. 

Since that story ran two weeks ago, Dan's kidneys stopped working on March 13, and he died on March 20, 2003.  He was 33.  He left behind a wife and two young sons.  He had fought cancer (myeloma) a little over one year.

Nearing midnight - I'm sitting at my desk wondering what glory God is reaping by removing this Christian man from the face of the earth.  Why didn't He heal this guy?  Was it something he did wrong?  Or is this just God's way of bringing attention to someone who clung to their faith in their darkest hour?  I'm sure there is a reason, but I have no idea what it is.  And if God chose not to heal him - despite a million prayers - what's He got in store for me?

I'm not down or worried - just mildly curious what His plan is.  I guess you just keep on giving God each day, and don't worry how He intends to use it.

As I was reading this young minister's journal, I was hit by what he wrote the day he received the report about the significant spread of the cancer in his body....much like my last PET scan:

"I am not devastated," he said. "I have a very real peace and a very real hope. God has been so faithful to reveal Himself to me. I don't even need to ask Him for any more. He has already poured enough of His grace on me that if He never gave me another drop I could not complain. The things I wrote in the book are all true. God is still most interested in what is happening in my heart. This is it. This is what surrender is all about."

I share your heart, Dan.  Thanks for being an inspiration for me even after you're gone.